To Wonder

I am learning how to wonder. Not just about other things, but about me. This might not sound like a huge deal to you, but it is for me. I didn’t know that I could wonder about things. I didn’t think I had the time or the permission. I thought I better get things figured out pretty quickly, or I will get behind and never catch up. And others will leave me behind. Sounds exhausting just writing about it. I don’t know how I did it. I know I didn’t do it very well, that is for sure.

But I am finding out that I can wonder and that is good. I don’t have to find a solution to every problem in my life. All I have to do is not flee from my problems. So if I don’t flee and don’t find solutions, what is left? Everything. And that is what wonder is all about. It is about possibility and openness. It is realizing that I do get anxious with people, and I don’t have to fix it. I just get to think about it. “It is interesting that I am feeling anxious” I say to myself, “I wonder why”.

Lately it has come to my attention that much of my motivation comes from the desire to make others approve of me. I have been afraid of this realization for years. I have fought it, denied it, tried to make it not be true, and worked really hard to change my motivation. None of this worked, and finally I just sat down, exhausted, and admitted to myself it is true. And then I stayed there. I didn’t come with an action plan. I didn’t over think it. I didn’t even try to find the reason I do it, the point in my story of my life where it all came from.

I have done this in the past. I called it “checking out”. I would do everything I could to not think about what I knew was so painful to think about. But this time was different. I stayed there. I thought about it, but didn't try to fix it, or beat myself up, or come up with a plan. I thought about it, and then I thought about something else. The next time it came up, I wasn’t as anxious. So I thought about it then, and then thought about something else. Not purposely changing the subject in my mind, but thinking it through and letting my mind go where it needed to. A few days later, it came up again, and I wasn’t afraid of the truth of it at all.

But I haven’t just accepted it as me. I am not meant to be someone who needs other’s approval. God made me more glorious than that. I have approval from God and can find my worth in my own voice, my own identification with my placement in God. Knowing this keeps me from settling. Wondering about myself is never settling. Because settling is really no different than checking out. Instead of not thinking about the fact that I have a problem, I can just pretend that my problem is really no problem at all. Wonder takes it a step further. It says that I am going to change, but the process won’t happen through external effort. It will happen through the outpouring of internal change.

Now I can already see how I need less approval in my life. I have started to see the change in conversations, saying what I mean not to impress or get any reaction out of someone, but because it is more true of me. Being able to compliment people, give feedback and not worry that I will look dumb or that I am trying to hard. And the amazing thing is that I haven’t worked at all at needing less approval. I have just wondered about it.

Salt of the Earth

I have heard most of my life that we are to be the salt of the earth. It says we should do this in the bible. I know because I read it there. I just don’t remember where. Somewhere in the back.

Being the salt of the earth has something to do with standing out from others, and bringing flavor to the world. But I always thought that how we become salt in this word is to not do things. The best way to stand out, I thought to myself, is to not drink, not cuss, not sin, not gossip, not kill people, not have affairs, and not say God’s name in vain.

But I did all these things, and I didn’t really stand out. And most Christians try to do these things, at least for a while, until they get tired and do whatever their justification allows them to do. And then the non-Christian world looks at Christians and says that we are hypocrites. Which we are.

But what if saltiness has nothing to do with what we don’t do. What if we are to stand out for what we do? I am sure all my readers are agreeing at this point. But so would James Dobson and Pat Robertson and many other people you don’t agree with. They would say we should stand out by fighting for Christianity. I would disagree with them, and I hope you would, as well.

We don’t have to fight for Christianity, it is in good enough hands already. We don’t have to fight for anything.

But what should we stand out for? I think it is reconciliation. There is nothing weirder to a non-believing world than what happens when people reconcile. When people stand for justice, grieve the loss of relationship, ask for forgiveness and make steps toward a renewed relationship that is mutually beneficial. When we say to those who harm us “You hurt me, and I am sad and hurt. I am hurt because I am wounded and I feel less. I am sad because I have lost relationship with you. I want to forgive you because I miss you, I want reconciliation because I want you.” This is our cry for relationships, and this is very foreign to a world that labels people quickly, writes them off, looks at them only for how they are productive and generally discards people at the first hint of betrayal. What could stand out more to a world needing hope than a Christian community combined with perpetrators and victims, always looking for reconciliation, always pushing for restored relationships? This is salt, this is light, and this is exciting. Why aren’t you fighting for broken relationships in your own life? Where is your heart for reconciliation, for the relationship after the rupture, the chance to extend grace, to humbly risk yourself to another?

Peach and Peach

"Where have you been?" I said to myself.

"Oh, around, but mainly not around. I haven't been out much, just adjusting to new things and struggling though old things. I don't feel myself, though. I feel empty when I stay in. Days just seems to go by and nothing changes and I don't notice myself at all. It is as if I forget to ask about me. And I get discouraged, and that keeps me in." I responded

"Don't loose heart" I said to myself "You are out today, and it is good to see you. So be happy that you are out, and enjoy noticing yourself."

"I will" I said "And I do"

An Open Letter to a Dying Saint

Today you asked me to tell you again about death.

Death is glory. Glory so great that it requires more of you that you can give now. God has a new purpose for you. A greater purpose. You body is tired and used, it is fulfilled its purpose. But God is not done with you. He will need to equip you to live with Him in glory.

God has a purpose for you and He wants to put you to work. He wants you to build with your hands something that produces glory, something that reflects His incomprehensible beauty. But now your hands are old and used. They have suffered the age of this world; they have been worn down with toil and pain. You need new hands, hands that can craft the beauty of Heaven. You need hands of Gold, a perfect mirror that reflect face of God. Your new hands can make something beautiful because they radiate the only true source of Beauty.

Your eyes are too weak to see the beauty of your new hands. They are old from straining. You strained too hard to see God how your eyes thought He should look. You fought and fought for God to make sense and be visible. This wore out your eyes, and God wants to give you new ones. He wants to put diamonds in your eyes, diamonds that pierce through the truth of anything they see. Your new eyes will pierce through any box you try to put God in, they will not let you limit Him. You are now ready.

Your ears are not good enough. You need to hear all the words of God. God is huge, but he also speaks quietly, intimately. He whispers his love in poetry too intimate, to sensual for anyone else to hear. Your ears are tired. You need ears to hear the quietest whisper, the faintest breaths. God will give you ears of leaves, leaves that soak up the words, than grow and thrive only when they are fed words of life. God has secrets, and He wants you to know them.

Your feet are too slow. You need new feet. God created you to enjoy Him, and He has missed the sight of you in pure pleasure. Now God says it is time to play…