Seamless Garment of Life

23Then the soldiers, when they had crucified Jesus, took His outer garments and made four parts, a part to every soldier and also the [a]tunic; now the tunic was seamless, woven in one piece.
24So they said to one another, "Let us not tear it, but cast lots for it, to decide whose it shall be"; this was to fulfill the Scripture: "THEY DIVIDED MY OUTER GARMENTS AMONG THEM, AND FOR MY CLOTHING THEY CAST LOTS."

The late Joseph Bernardin spent his life fighting for a consistent ethic of life. He saw that all life was sacred, and he was against abortion, capital punishment, militarism, euthanasia, abuse, social injustice and economic injustice. It is called the Seamless Garment of Life. This is a challenge few followers of Christ are willing to fully accept. It is more than a list of rules or even ideas. The rules and ideas are really the result of a greater process. I believe it is when we learn to love life the way Christ did, it will have an unreasonable impact on our life. I am hoping this is a challenge I can enter into.

Mirrors in Therapy?

I read this fascinating article on mood altering ability of mirrors. It says "Subjects tested in a room with a mirror have been found to work harder, to be more helpful and to be less inclined to cheat, and less likely to judge others based on social stereotypes about, for example, sex, race or religion." Basically, they make people more self aware, and not just at a surface level. Physical self reflection encourages philosophical self reflection. People reflect more, are more aware of their effect on other people, and are more aware of other people's opinions when a mirror is in the room. What strikes me is these are all things that therapy encourages, yet I have never heard anything about mirrors in therapy, and I have never been in a therapy room with a mirror. I would imagine a mirror that the client is staring at while they are sitting could be very distracting, but an indirect mirror could subtly enhance what is already happening in the room.

Last Lecture

Can I get too good at psychology?

In the book, "Wisdom of Crowds" the author talks about the huge disadvantage of being surrounded by similar people who think just like you. It is much more effective to have many different types of people, coming from many different perspectives. This is especially poignant for me if I end up being a therapist because they usually pack together like timber wolves and high school cheerleaders. The book even makes the point that Psychologists are worse predictors of human behavior than the average person. I believe this is from all of us reading the same people, thinking in the same or similar themes, and eventually create self-fulfilling prophesies of how we see the world. I don't know how to deal with this, but I know it is a problem

How Not to Get Sued

I have read many places, including here, how medical doctor's getting sued has no correlation to how effective they are. It has to do with their people skills, specifically how long they sit with their patients and how quickly they apologize. I wonder if it is the same for counselors? Many of my professors have said that if you do become a full time therapist you will eventually get sued or at least deposed. But I am curious if the counselor's who aren't sued as often are the ones who treat their clients kinder? Counselors are supposed to be good at people skills, but I have met a few who are arrogant, unapproachable and harsh. I would love to see a study about this, because being sued does not sound fun to me

Self-Object Relations

1. Idealizing transference: the need to connect with a protected by someone good, strong and wise, someone he can trust, idealize, and hope to emulate.

2. Mirror Transference: The need to be noticed, accepted and affirmed in his strengths, ambitions, and creativity. He needs someone to admire and smile, to back up his dreams and plans.

3. Alter ego Transference: The need to feel alike between client and therapist. “Being Alike” is an important kind of belonging; it counters feelings of being alone and alien in the world.

4. Merger Transference: the need to be attuned with therapist. Any difference is perceived as a threat

5. Adversarial Transference: The need to be given space to test someone and see if they will continue to be supportive, responsive and affirming of the client’s self.

6. Self-delineating transference: The need for the therapist to help understand their experience until the client can have a durable sense of being present as a valid, feeling, experiencing self in his own right

Where do you find yourself in this list?

How to think relationally

I am constantly in a state of changing how I think. I am finding that my old ways of thinking, which included critiquing, goal oriented, being objective, trying to fix problems and find solutions, no longer fit me and I am trying to replace them with surrender, being process oriented, and wonder, respectively. What I think is an even bigger process than any of these is to think relationally. I have found this to be much harder than I thought it would be, as I am just discovering how individualistic my thinking really is. It is obvious to say that our culture is individualistic, so obvious and stated so often that it is almost useless to say. What I am finding goes much deeper, is much more pervasive, and will be much harder for me to give up.

One place where I want to see my thinking dramatically change is therapy. So much of my beliefs are still around the idea that one person has the information or at least the expertise and the other is there to learn. But relational therapy doesn't have to be that way. You can learn together, you can both be present, subjective and affected. The therapist can not know what to do, and that is okay, the therapist can be stuck and that is still okay. And even more unbelievable, still worth the money the client is paying them.


The new idea I have is to view every session I have not as a client but as a small group, where there are two members. The therapist is the facilitator, but also a participant. While many small groups have focuses on topics like accountability, or a bible study, the focus of these small groups is always the client. I don't know why, but this seems to be a huge breakthrough for me. instead of having to direct the conversations and keep it client centered, it would be both of our jobs to think about the client and figure him out. we would both talk about what roles we are playing, what we are keeping from the group, how we are affected by the dynamics of the group, where we don't feel safe. Many times it is easy to forget their are relational dynamics going when there is two people, but they still exist in a very strong way.

This also brings me to even more incomplete thoughts about relational therapy. Therapy can no longer be client centered if it is truly relational. everything, including what the patient chooses to start the sessions about, is open to discussion. the therapist no longer has to hold the client taking the session wherever they want, or ignoring previous sessions. If it is relational counseling, it has to be a mutual decision.

The last one is about dual relationships. I just read that the therapist should have no other social relationship with their clients. This seems like a good idea in such a litigious society, and it seems to keep a lot of energy in therapy and keep clingy patients from taking over therapists' lives. But it reeks of professionalism. This is what makes so many people, like my mentor bill james, hate psychology. over time many jobs that deal with people start to separate themselves themselves from not only their clients but from the populous at large by becoming more and more professional. Roles are more defined, boundaries are more strict, their are a lot more laws and insurance is involved. this is why doctors can no longer visit houses, and countless other jobs I can't think of now, but in the past have really bothered me. This happens in Psychology all the time, by therapists telling their clients they can pretend they don't recognize them when they are in public, and that they can't counsel a friend, or have a friendship outside of therapy with a current client, or the language they use that most people can't understand, or all the laws they have to follow and all the paper work they have to fill out. This all separates the therapist from the client, and makes therapy less and less about just talking. Many therapists like it this way, as it obviously has its advantages, but I don't think it is a good direction for the field.

Town Hall

I just went to a town hall meeting with the leaders of my school. There has been some animosity and curiosity about some of the ways they handled things in the past. Sitting there, listening to them, it reminded me of my days with the church plant in Chicago, and the town hall meetings we had there. It made me very glad to be at Mars and no longer Chicago because I was able to see leaders willing to be humble, be sad and admit mistakes, and to make the hard decisions they needed to, even when it drastically affected their lives. It made me want to be in their place, taking huge risks and trying to create something so much larger than myself. and I can only pray that I will be as honest and vulnerable as the men I saw tonight

How I forgot about wonder

Two days with Shannon this weekend showed me that I had forgot the need for glory, wonder and a general sense of craziness. I had forgotten how key these were in my life last fall and how healing and exciting and lifegiving it was for me and the people in my life.

Karen Maroda

I have been thinking about 2 person counseling a lot. I finally realized I know what it is but have no idea how to do it. My professors talk about 2 person therapy, but they withhold from actually using it. This is because 2 person therapy requires the therapist to own up to their power in therapy. This requires the therapist to actually answer questions, to own up to their own desires and emotions, and not hide behind their position. This goes so far beyond therapy. I think every relationship with hierarchy or any sort of power differential would be greatly helped with the concepts in two person therapy. I have been reading Karen Maroda on this subject, and I see why my professors have been resistant to really use two person therapy. It requires so much. I think I want nothing more than to be brave and honest enough to really be mutual.

The small things

When I am moved, the smallest things make me cry. this friday super stace, shannon and I heard a town hall meeting about domestic violence. All the speaker said was to put a pamphlet in a woman's bathroom about domestic violence, and I started crying. I never would have thought of that, and the idea that a woman who is being abused could get help she couldn't normally get with the smallest thing like a pamphlet in the bathroom.

Power

I have been thinking about power a lot lately, because I have been reading out gender. Many people like to say that men and women have the same amount of power, but they are used in different ways. I think the universal awareness of at least a hint of this is what confuses people when they talk about Gender. "Yes men set the rules, and get to do whatever they want, but women are really behind all of it." something like that

The problem with this, and similar thinking, is that men's power is primary. They get to do whatever they want, they get to set the rules. Women's power is often secondary. It can be a lot of power, sometimes even more than what a man's is, but it always has to be hidden or masked in some way. A women may run a household, but she isn't proud of it, and she definitely isn't flaunting it at church.

I think this is usually true with any group of minorities and majorities or any sort of social hierarchy. the majorities get the primary power, the minorities, or women, or children can have their power, but they have to pretend it is something else.

The Holy Spirit

We always see the Holy Spirit as open and limitless. The Holy Spirit breaks the rules. But I was heard this great argument that how the bible talks about the Holy Spirit is very limited. It says in specific terms what the Holy Spirit does. And it is very specific as to what the outpouring of the spirit is. And very Specific of what the fruit of the spirit is. I think I forgot this. I imagine, if I ever care to get around to it, it has huge implications of how not only I should view the Holy Spirit and God but also how I should live my life

Not Ready

Sometimes certain subjects come up over and over, in different classes, in my readings as well as conversations. the one I have been thinking about lately is that most people, when they come to therapy, aren't ready for therapy. They aren't strong enough. They are too anxious, they react and don't reflect, and they don't really think about themselves in helpful ways. What a therapist does is then get the client ready for therapy. They do this by building up his ego strength, helping them think about themselves and look into how their past is influencing their present. Only when this process is over can real therapy start.

This got me thinking about christians. Most people, even if they have been christians for a long time, aren't ready. For community, for service, for a lot of things. And we don't seem to have a good method of getting them ready. That is as far as I got on this idea, so I will put it out there and see what else we can come up with

Meditaton

I have been thinking a lot about meditation. Stacy got me a book for Christmas Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, that was pretty confusing, but basically got me excited about trying it out. Once I have been able to go 15 minutes, which is pretty amazing for me. But usually 5 minutes at a time, and I have been doing it at least 2 or three times a week. Usually I just focus on my breathing. In and out, into my chest, stuff like that. Then I wait till I get a thought in my head, let in come all the way in on the breath in, then breathe it out after a second or two. I have noticed a difference, but it is in small ways so far. I am more aware of how much I rush through my life. Even when I am relaxing, I am in a rush to get started relaxing. I also am not as worried about boredom. I can sit for a minute or two without being so anxious about what I should do next. I am a little less afraid of silence in conversations. Even when I physically feel the anxiety from the other person, I have been able to wait a bit and see what happens. One time I kind of flipped and had a 3 hour stretch where I wasn’t anxious about anything, was truly in the present, wasn’t worried about the future and was content being exactly where I was. I even looked out of the bus window without daydreaming. I actually looked around. Overall, I would say mediation has been a very good discovery for me.

Lent

For the first time ever, I decided to do something for lent; give up video games. I hasn't been easy, but I think it was a good idea. I haven't been much more productive, but I have been happier. I can tell I used video games as a way of calming my anxiety, so I have been a little more anxious about things, but I am more than willing to pay this price.

Elie Wiesel

I have spent a lot of time recently on Elie Wiesel. I read his book “Night” watched a documentary on his life, and even read Miroslav Volf’s response to his call to always remember. It would be easy to say he is a remarkable man, but I think what is truly remarkable is that he is rather ordinary. His impact in society has little to do with anything of his character, but rather what his situational circumstance. Reading “Night” it is impossible to get the feeling that he survived because of anything to do with ability. His prophetic voice is not because of his charisma, but simply because he was there and that he is a very honest writer. This is echoed over in over in everything he says. He is a witness and his voice has authority simply because he was there.

What am I a witness to? What is it that I have more authority to speak on than anyone else? Only my life, what I have experienced, survived and witnessed. Even though my life is not uniquely special and I have inconsistent integrity and character, I still have things to say that need to be said. I have lived though suicide and years of deep depression, and yet I survived with a deep faith, compassion and an inner strength that makes no sense in my anxious mind. I can bring my perspective not because of anything I have earned, but simply by living through it.

What have you been witness to? What is it the world is waiting to hear, waiting for you to start speaking it?

Third Way

If there is one concept that has changed my life more than any other this year, it is the third way. I don’t even know where I first found it, but I know that I think it is important, I see it everywhere. I see it in the scriptures; Jesus calls it turning the other cheek. I see it in psychology, it is called reflecting. I see it in books, in movies, in my life, in other people’s lives. The third way is happening all around me. I just never realized it was so foundational, so important, so astonishingly simple.

I realized that in every conflict I have, either with another person or with myself, I usually do one of two things. I try to control or I back away. Fight or flight. In attachment theory, this is ambivalent attachment and avoidant attachment. I can get really angry at some problem I have, or I can distract myself from the problem and pretend it doesn’t exist. This is how I usually live my life. This is how everyone lives there life. Pretty boring when you think about it, and definitely not very helpful. We live out the same patterns, day after day, year after year, still fighting, still fleeing.

But what is amazing is that all we have to do to change this is do anything else. As long as you don’t control or run, you are doing something different. And if you are doing something different, you are breaking out of your addiction to reacting without any choice. Anything will do. God isn't saying to us there is only one right answer; He is saying there are only two wrong answers.

Recently I got a c- on a paper I thought I did a good job on. Normally I do one of two things. I get really angry at myself, sending me into a funk and I end up feeling really hopeless. Or I try not to think about it, distracting myself by thinking about football. But what if I did something else? What if I thought about my paper without dwelling on it or running from it? It would have been different, and that would have been the start of change in my life. I didn’t do something else. I didn’t even think about it till long after I had run from any thought of that paper. The third way is hard to remember when you are flooded with bad thoughts. And it can be very exhausting. But I have started to make those decisions, and I am noticing a profound change in my life. I am finding a freedom I never thought I could live into. I feel a little less pressure to get things right. And I am more convinced than ever this is how God wants us to live, not reacting the same way we always have, like instinct in animals, but rather choosing freedom, choosing a better way.