Town Hall

I just went to a town hall meeting with the leaders of my school. There has been some animosity and curiosity about some of the ways they handled things in the past. Sitting there, listening to them, it reminded me of my days with the church plant in Chicago, and the town hall meetings we had there. It made me very glad to be at Mars and no longer Chicago because I was able to see leaders willing to be humble, be sad and admit mistakes, and to make the hard decisions they needed to, even when it drastically affected their lives. It made me want to be in their place, taking huge risks and trying to create something so much larger than myself. and I can only pray that I will be as honest and vulnerable as the men I saw tonight

How I forgot about wonder

Two days with Shannon this weekend showed me that I had forgot the need for glory, wonder and a general sense of craziness. I had forgotten how key these were in my life last fall and how healing and exciting and lifegiving it was for me and the people in my life.

Karen Maroda

I have been thinking about 2 person counseling a lot. I finally realized I know what it is but have no idea how to do it. My professors talk about 2 person therapy, but they withhold from actually using it. This is because 2 person therapy requires the therapist to own up to their power in therapy. This requires the therapist to actually answer questions, to own up to their own desires and emotions, and not hide behind their position. This goes so far beyond therapy. I think every relationship with hierarchy or any sort of power differential would be greatly helped with the concepts in two person therapy. I have been reading Karen Maroda on this subject, and I see why my professors have been resistant to really use two person therapy. It requires so much. I think I want nothing more than to be brave and honest enough to really be mutual.

The small things

When I am moved, the smallest things make me cry. this friday super stace, shannon and I heard a town hall meeting about domestic violence. All the speaker said was to put a pamphlet in a woman's bathroom about domestic violence, and I started crying. I never would have thought of that, and the idea that a woman who is being abused could get help she couldn't normally get with the smallest thing like a pamphlet in the bathroom.

Power

I have been thinking about power a lot lately, because I have been reading out gender. Many people like to say that men and women have the same amount of power, but they are used in different ways. I think the universal awareness of at least a hint of this is what confuses people when they talk about Gender. "Yes men set the rules, and get to do whatever they want, but women are really behind all of it." something like that

The problem with this, and similar thinking, is that men's power is primary. They get to do whatever they want, they get to set the rules. Women's power is often secondary. It can be a lot of power, sometimes even more than what a man's is, but it always has to be hidden or masked in some way. A women may run a household, but she isn't proud of it, and she definitely isn't flaunting it at church.

I think this is usually true with any group of minorities and majorities or any sort of social hierarchy. the majorities get the primary power, the minorities, or women, or children can have their power, but they have to pretend it is something else.

The Holy Spirit

We always see the Holy Spirit as open and limitless. The Holy Spirit breaks the rules. But I was heard this great argument that how the bible talks about the Holy Spirit is very limited. It says in specific terms what the Holy Spirit does. And it is very specific as to what the outpouring of the spirit is. And very Specific of what the fruit of the spirit is. I think I forgot this. I imagine, if I ever care to get around to it, it has huge implications of how not only I should view the Holy Spirit and God but also how I should live my life

Not Ready

Sometimes certain subjects come up over and over, in different classes, in my readings as well as conversations. the one I have been thinking about lately is that most people, when they come to therapy, aren't ready for therapy. They aren't strong enough. They are too anxious, they react and don't reflect, and they don't really think about themselves in helpful ways. What a therapist does is then get the client ready for therapy. They do this by building up his ego strength, helping them think about themselves and look into how their past is influencing their present. Only when this process is over can real therapy start.

This got me thinking about christians. Most people, even if they have been christians for a long time, aren't ready. For community, for service, for a lot of things. And we don't seem to have a good method of getting them ready. That is as far as I got on this idea, so I will put it out there and see what else we can come up with

Meditaton

I have been thinking a lot about meditation. Stacy got me a book for Christmas Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, that was pretty confusing, but basically got me excited about trying it out. Once I have been able to go 15 minutes, which is pretty amazing for me. But usually 5 minutes at a time, and I have been doing it at least 2 or three times a week. Usually I just focus on my breathing. In and out, into my chest, stuff like that. Then I wait till I get a thought in my head, let in come all the way in on the breath in, then breathe it out after a second or two. I have noticed a difference, but it is in small ways so far. I am more aware of how much I rush through my life. Even when I am relaxing, I am in a rush to get started relaxing. I also am not as worried about boredom. I can sit for a minute or two without being so anxious about what I should do next. I am a little less afraid of silence in conversations. Even when I physically feel the anxiety from the other person, I have been able to wait a bit and see what happens. One time I kind of flipped and had a 3 hour stretch where I wasn’t anxious about anything, was truly in the present, wasn’t worried about the future and was content being exactly where I was. I even looked out of the bus window without daydreaming. I actually looked around. Overall, I would say mediation has been a very good discovery for me.

Lent

For the first time ever, I decided to do something for lent; give up video games. I hasn't been easy, but I think it was a good idea. I haven't been much more productive, but I have been happier. I can tell I used video games as a way of calming my anxiety, so I have been a little more anxious about things, but I am more than willing to pay this price.

Elie Wiesel

I have spent a lot of time recently on Elie Wiesel. I read his book “Night” watched a documentary on his life, and even read Miroslav Volf’s response to his call to always remember. It would be easy to say he is a remarkable man, but I think what is truly remarkable is that he is rather ordinary. His impact in society has little to do with anything of his character, but rather what his situational circumstance. Reading “Night” it is impossible to get the feeling that he survived because of anything to do with ability. His prophetic voice is not because of his charisma, but simply because he was there and that he is a very honest writer. This is echoed over in over in everything he says. He is a witness and his voice has authority simply because he was there.

What am I a witness to? What is it that I have more authority to speak on than anyone else? Only my life, what I have experienced, survived and witnessed. Even though my life is not uniquely special and I have inconsistent integrity and character, I still have things to say that need to be said. I have lived though suicide and years of deep depression, and yet I survived with a deep faith, compassion and an inner strength that makes no sense in my anxious mind. I can bring my perspective not because of anything I have earned, but simply by living through it.

What have you been witness to? What is it the world is waiting to hear, waiting for you to start speaking it?