An Open Letter to a Wounded Idealist

My dear friend, I love your heart. I love your passion and compassion, your fierce rejection of anything but truth. Your heart hates the effects of evil, and it will not let God off the hook. You have seen what this world can do to innocent people. There is no reason to hide your disappointment, or to temper your rage. You don’t allow yourself to be appeased with trite answers; you desire freedom from evil and hate. Your heart calls me to more; it keeps me honest and searching. You are a beautiful manifestation of the compassion and passion of God.

God also loves your heart. He made you to feel, and experience. He created your heart huge and powerful. You have a bigger heart than most people, but God made your heart to be bigger than you can imagine, and he is working even now to grow your heart. And God is not afraid of your heart. He is not afraid of what you will find when you follow your heart towards compassion, towards true justice and the true state of mankind. He wants more of you, not less of you.

Now, you say there can be no reason good enough for the pain and suffering that happens in the world. All the rape and killing of children. Starvation, tsunamis, earthquakes, dictators, children soldiers, ethnic cleansing. I agree with you. There is nothing I can come up with that could possibly make all of this worth it.

But I have hope that there is something more, something bigger and deeper than anything I can imagine. This is the promise of God that some days I get to believe and some days I don’t. This is what Paul was talking about when he said “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us”. It must be amazing, whatever it is that will be revealed to us that can redeem the worst the world has ever suffered. The greater the evil, the greater the size of whatever can redeem it. You do not let God off the hook for the truth of evil. Do not let Him off the hook for the incomprehensible size of what He says will redeem everything.

You don’t have to believe it. Most days I don’t. But I do know that the one who promises me this also is the only one who surprises me. When I glimpse the face of God, using when I am singing in church, I am overwhelmed with what His presence says to me. The difference between what I know to be true and what I experience with God is so profound that it brings me to tears. Usually sobs and gasps and it becomes uncomfortable for those next to me. But somehow this brings me comfort. I pray that one day this will bring your beautiful heart comfort as well.

To all my readers who are also wounded idealists, where do you see yourself in this? Do not let me off the hook, but rather challenge my comfort.

How to Bring Out the Glory in Others

1. Laugh

2. Encourage and praise

3. Brag about the strengths of your friends

4. Ask questions, be interested

5. Pray

6. Accept first, then figure out what to do

7. Be affectionate

8. Smile

9. Make eye contact

10. Be excited to see people, sad to see them leave

11. Expect greatness

12. Expose them to other great people

13. Know things about them, remember what they tell you

14. Always look for someone’s hidden glory, encourage it to come out

15. Praise them every time they accomplish even the smallest thing

16. Be willing to be deep but be easy going

17. Be courageous in confrontation, but always one on one

18. Allow criticism, and don’t defend yourself

19. Give others the spotlight

20. Shine yourself and others will want to as well

By Jeremy Pietsch

God as Lover

I always had a hard time really getting a lot from seeing God as father. This probably says a lot about me. I had neither a really great relationship with my earthly father when I was a kid, or a really poor one. If it would have been great I could have just viewed God the same way I view my dad. If it would have been bad, I would have looked to God to fill a gapping hole in my life that my earthly father never filled, to be the perfect father. But it turns out, for me at least, a “good-enough” father leads to a lack of desire for a “good-enough” Father God.

I struggled with this for years, trying to see God as father. I could see God as a friend, because I longed for friendships. I could see God as “Other” because I was very aware of my sinfulness and separation from anything perfect. I could see God in nature, in science, in knowledge. I could see God hiding underneath the words I read as I learned about any subject. I can see His grace, His longing for connection, His love of reconciliation in counseling. I can see His creation come alive when I write. But I didn’t know how to “balance” my view of God.

But I finally made a choice, and I think it is slowly changing everything about me. I no longer want a balanced view of God. I want to see him first and foremost as lover. I am sure this might sound weird to some and unbalanced to others. But I realized it was time to take a risk and try to live in faith. If I am wrong I will take it up with God when I get to heaven.

The change already has been dramatic. When God is most central as lover, I relate to Him not with my thoughts, but with longing. If I believe Song of Solomon, God does not hate me for my sin, or just want me to be a better person. God desires me. It is impossible to stay the same when you live your life realizing God is constantly moving towards you. Movement changes people, and it has changed me.

When God is lover, I remember to relate to Him, to interact with him with my whole body. It is easy to think about God, or tell Him you love Him. It is hard to “feel” God. It is even harder to remember that God feels me. As I change my presence, as I grow into the very person I am, God notices the change in me. He doesn’t just listen to what I say, or just watch I do, but He feels my presence when I do things that affect my heart. God experiences me through His senses the same way I love Him through my senses. He loves me sensually.

I have just begun my thoughts on this subject, and most of it I will only figure out as it actually happens to me. I am experiencing God pursue me more, long for me as I long for Him. I believe His love for me more often, and I am more excited for heaven. Salvation is a wedding ring. He is preparing me for the wedding. I will take my chances seeing God as my perfect lover, and I as the object of His desire.

What do you think? Should we be careful in our view of God or should we take more risks?

A Little Crazy Can't Be All Bad

Balance is good. I have heard this message for years, and for years I believed it. Our generations are all screaming for balance as if it is a solution to every problem. Balance is not making choices, but doing a little of everything. Why choose between having a family and a busy job? If you are balanced you don’t need to choose. Balance keeps you from taking unnecessary risks by hedging your bets. Why should you just teach your children piano, when you can also have them learn ballet, and soccer and Latin?

This leads to “well-roundedness”. In this worldview, extremes are seen as bad. You shouldn’t be “right-wing” or “left-wing”. You shouldn’t care about your job to the detriment of your family. You should balance your work life, social life, family life and spiritual life. You should read a little bit from every perspective, you should know a little bit about every subject, you should try new restaurants, try every exercise machine in the gym, get to know people from different cultures, learn new languages, hang out with people who think differently than you and never be too passionate about one thing to the detriment of your other passions.

I don’t know if I disagree with any of these things. This seems like a very rational argument for the need of balance. Even my field of study, psychology, puts great value on removing extremes, balancing and perspective. Often it seems to me that the pinnacle of mental health is seeing oneself as “not that bad” and “good, but not the greatest thing ever.”

But something about all this balancing seems not quite right to me. I am not sure I want to be rational and balanced. I only get to live once, and I am afraid a little too much of hedging my bets and choosing a little of everything will not only keep me “well-rounded"” but also mediocre. There is a proverb that says “there are no rational men at the top of the mountain.” Many of the biographies I have read of great men and women where far from balanced people. They were poor parents, tough on co-workers, incredibly inefficient, bad at attention to detail and often very willing to bend the rules.

Whenever the discussion comes up about great men in the past and their lack of paying attention to their children, it is always said that they should have balanced their lives more, and this would have made everything better. What if there is another option? What if they balanced their lives less? Instead of not spending time with their wives and kids, what if they didn’t have a family? Then they wouldn’t have to balance work life with family life. What if we encouraged our passionate missionaries, visionaries and luminaries to make hard choices? What if the answer isn’t always balancing everything, but balancing fewer things?

I don’t know what to do with this subject. I don’t want to go crazy, or be a poor family man, or push others away with too much extreme. But I also want to be great, not mediocre. Tell me what you think? Am I wrong in having such a hard time with being “well-rounded", or is there something to being a little extreme?

Shannon's Recipe for Life

BOOKS THAT BRING HEAVEN TO EARTH

Georges Bernanos “Diary of a Country Priest”

“All is grace”

G.K. Chesterton “Man Who Was Thursday”

“Everything is related in romance”

G.K. Chesterton “Orthodoxy”

“Life is a romance and a fairy tale, and it is the conclusion of the spiritually wise that find this”

Letters of Van Gogh:

“beauty is everywhere”

Rainier Maria Rilke “Letters to a Young Poet”

“Love your life”

Antoine de Saint Exupéry “The little prince”

“Don’t accept what you are given”

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky “Brothers Karamazov”

Especially Zosìma and Alyosha

“Abandonment to Love of Everything”

Frederick Buechner “Godric”

The gospel as fairytale, embracing the emotional and sensual richness of your life

C.S. Lewis “Till We Have Faces”

“Every time I read it, I get more, but there is so much to it and it is still a mystery.

Marva Dawn “Powers, Weakness, and the Tabernacling of God”

“Our weakness is not a voluntary weakening of our strengths, but weakness is at the end of our strengths, and God is there.”

Erwin McManus “Barbarian Way”

“The call of the Christian is to tenacious freedom and action”

Song of the year

Hello Readers, this is the project for picking a theme song for the coming year. Last year’s song was “poor man’s house” by patty griffin, which, unfortunately, I don’t know how to add to this post. So I would love if you would send your nominees for the theme song of my next year, then I will let you all vote on the nominees. Songs that are emotionally moving and have some good lyrics are usually best, but we are open to all sorts of creativity here.

Is Surrender worth it?

I have been trying this new thing. It probably will sound cliché to you, because in the past it has for me as well. But lately I have been trying to surrender to my experiences. When I am in a conversation I throw myself into trying out everything the person says. I consider everything and hold back nothing. When I write a paper, I ask myself what my heart is yearning for, not what answer my mind is quick to come up with. When I am reading a book I try to experience it with my whole being. That means I take off everything I believe as I try on what the author is saying. I stop defending myself, get rid of presuppositions and don’t fear the implications of whatever is being proposed. But I don’t do this by trying hard to not be defensive. I do it by being more and more open, and the lack of defensiveness and fear is only a sign of my openness.

Most of the time, when I read something, or watch a movie, I approach it like a critic would. I break it down into components and evaluate what is good and what is bad. From there I can tell you whether or not I liked something and why I like or don’t like it. But I can’t tell you how I experienced it, or what it felt like to live under the rules it professes. But when I surrender to my experience, I cannot evaluate, because evaluating doesn’t cost me anything. I have to approach my experiences with myself, and that leaves me vulnerable.

The process isn’t about believing everything you hear, or forgetting who you are, or being passive and weak. Somehow, I don’t know exactly how ; I am more present when I surrender. Maybe it is because my guards and presuppositions not only keep other people and ideas from impacting me, but they also keep me from entering the room.

Right now this process is exhausting. I know this is because I have so much experience approaching subjects cautiously, risking little and labeling quickly, and I have so little experience taking my time. So far I have at least one experience a day where I surrender myself to whatever is happening, surrounded by a greater number of experiences I tried to surrender to and failed, and an ever greater number I forgot to try and treated someone or something as an external object. I know I am noticing the other times more because of the contrast they have with the times that I am living in freedom.

But the process is absolutely exhilarating, and I have complete faith it will get easier the more I do it and the better I get. In one of my counseling sessions, where I tried to completely surrender to everything that was happening, my counselor noted the change in me. She said that she has never felt me more present in the room, and she has never felt more space for herself. I can’t think of a better complement right now.

As I am writing this I have had a really hard day with headaches, fear of disappointment and feeling overwhelmed. But the highlight of this day was surrendering my heart to writing this post, feeling free to let any emotion come up, whether it is fear, discouragement, distraction, boredom, excitement or bliss. After experiencing all of these emotions, I am left with a steady, determined thirst for this life, convinced that freedom and openness is worth the cost of exhaustion, disappointment, frustration and isolation and anything else that I will feel. I am living for Glory, and no price is to large for that.

Just Worship

Damn N.T. Wright. Why are you so smart? If you were less smart I could argue with you in the way you argue, which is with big words, dropping important names and bible references. I don’t think you would ever listen to me otherwise. If I came to you and told you my conscience is uncomfortable with what you write, what would you say? What if I told you I have seen God work in different ways? What if I said I have learned to be intuitive to my emotions as I encounter the emotions of others, and that I feel fear when I read your piece. Not that I am afraid, but maybe that you write out of a certain sense of fear, of an obligation to keep things together. What would you say to me?

What you could do is use my methods against me. You could say that your conscience is right before the Lord. You could say that I am uncomfortable with your theology because I am uncomfortable with all modern theologians, an unfair grouping akin to racism. You could say that I am confusing you with other theologians and I haven’t really given you a chance. You could say that it is my personal issues that want to keep things from being held together, that it is my own fear that others will control me that makes me fight against anything that smells of control. And you would be right on all counts.

But it doesn’t mean that there is no space for me also being right.

You said no one should worship the sun. You wrote that beauty and nature is only an echo of God. Not only is nature not God, but it cannot directly lead you to God. This is where I cannot in good conscience go along with you. All this seems to make logical sense to me, but I still don’t like it. Life is not separated into what is logical and what is illogical. I can’t help but feel that your method is a deadening of desire, maybe even leading to the quenching of the spirit.

If nature brings you to God, don’t qualify it. Just worship. When you glimpse beauty, throw your soul at it, don’t hold back. You can never see God in beauty with a tentative heart. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get over my self and actually feel for something outside of myself? My heart is already careful, I do not need to calm it more. I need to let it free. If the sun calls me to God, I will sing to the Glory of a God that knows of my lack of understanding, and loves to see that I enjoy Him.

Waiting for Glory

I titled this blog “is change possible” because I saw my life calling as trying to bring change. I said that I would be willing to be apart of any major movement as long as it was about change. I am beginning to see this as foolish. I think that change doesn’t happen by focusing on change. Change is only a result of wanting something greater. I am beginning to believe change happens when I focus on Glory.

But I couldn’t be where I am now without going through where I once was. My focus on change gave me a sense of longing, an unquenchable desire for more than mediocrity. By wanting change, I began to see what doesn’t matter, what is waste. It became so unimportant to me to look cool, or coming across as cool or attracting attention just so people would like me. Not that I don’t want people to like me. I am a self-professed intimacy junkie. It’s just that I had a stronger urge for them to like me for the right reasons.

I wanted relationships because I heard they brought change and I believed them. It is not knowledge, or insight, or memorizing bible verses that help someone overcome their fractured self. We are healed only when we experience wholeness, and we do this in relationship. When I am lonely I am not made whole by telling myself that I am a good person, or that God loves me, or that this is because my 2^nd grade teacher shamed me for wanting relationships. These are all important things to know and they can bring a lot of healing, but they should never be the primary goal. What changes me when I am lonely is to experience what it is to not be alone with another person. To long for change is to long for relationships.

I know see a better reason for wanting relationships than wanting change. What if I wanted relationships so I can love and be loved? That is it. It is such a simple idea, I might get the idea that carrying this out will be easy. But abandonment is never easy, and alloying myself to be known, to be seen, to be experienced and to be loved is impossible without a foolish amount of abandonment.

As I step back and look at this world, I realize how foolish I was to aim for change. This world needs more than positive change. This world needs Glory. God calls us to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. That is Glory. When I dream of the beauty, the awesomeness of God’s Kingdom, I don’t need to think about what is wrong with the world. The redemption of the world comes naturally as an abundant outpouring as I focus on greater things.

God wants us to shame the wise and humble the proud with the wisdom of Heaven. But I cannot do this by looking at the wise and the proud. When I experiencing the absurdity of Heaven I naturally call the world into account. By living in the freedom of Glory, I can live free from others expectations and control. To not live under power exposes the limits of the powerful. When I relate to someone without cowering, or allowing them to shame me, or reacting and becoming defensive, I bring them shame. But I don’t want to do it for them, to shame them. I want to do it for me, because it is always better to be free.

When I invite someone into relationship with me when I know they want to label me, I can expose the holes in their judgments. When I stand up for myself and show grace, I make someone curious. Maybe they will question if what they believe is right. Maybe they will look at themselves a second longer. See, turning the other cheek is never about backing down. It is about getting knocked on your ass, dusting yourself off, standing right back up in the face of your oppressor, and inviting him to knock you on your ass again. But this time it is different. Because that is not weak. Choosing not to fight is very different than being unable to fight. But once again I do not want to stand up and turn my cheek to my oppressor because I want to show him his folly. I stand up because I want to get out of the dirt. I turn my check because it is better for ME to not respond in anger. It is because I see God’s glory when I do not hate.

I realized all of this when I was thinking of suffering and how important it is for the Christian life. But suffering is only a result of something greater; it should never be a goal in and of itself. A good friend told me that desiring to suffer only leads people to self-righteousness and making them a martyr. But when we envision joy, and yearn to find it, pursue it ever chance we get, and fight to find the joy in this world, suffering will come. But it leads to much fuller suffering. It is suffering from longing for the perfection of the provision of God’s hand. This is glory. This is not self-righteous, because it is longing for something greater than suffering, which is Joy, but it realizes that all joy requires suffering. Because of this, suffering can become beauty. But only when it is a result of searching for something much greater.

I guess I could have titled this post “Focus” because everything I am writing about concerns what should be your primary focus. It is not enough to focus on good things, or make a priority of the truths of the bible. To live into the Kingdom of Glory, we all have to focus on only the best things. Sometimes when I think about how much effort it takes to train myself to live for Glory, I get exhausted. Because it will be a lot of work. But I am comforted that my strength to live under Glory will not come from a superior amount of determination or effort, but an ever greatening simplicity of focus.

Comming Attractions

These are a few of the Festivals that need to happen this fall. Most of them will occur at the Mars Dorm, so if you are in the area, please check times and see what festivals are available. If any of you were thinking of moving to Seattle and needed some extra motivation I hope this will spur your decision on.

1. West Wing/a Few Good Men/Clueless party: A bunch of people sitting around a table, staying up all night solving the world’s problems, eating Chinese food. We would need (1) an apartment (2) a big table that could fit laptops, loose paper strewn everywhere, and Chinese food, and (3) Chinese food. And let us not forget (4) people that want to change the world

2. Anne of Green Gables party: A bunch of people sitting around watching hours and hours of Anne of Green Gables. What we need (1) the movie, (2) a projector that that one girl can get from her dad who works at a church (3) pillows and blankets to sit on (4) a big open wall (5) tea and fancy little cookies and fancy little cracker and other fancy foods you eat at a tea party and (6) costumes, at least for Kim. No one else really needs a costume.

3. Patty Griffin party: A bunch of people listening to Justin and Naomi playing Patty Griffin Songs. What we need (1) Justin (2) Naomi (3) Snacks

4. Martin Luther King Party: This happens on or near Martin Luther King Day In January, and it is a bunch of people getting together around candles and listening to readings of Martin Luther King Jr. We need (1) candles (2) Shannon or Naomi or someone who is a great reader (3) Works of Martin Luther King Jr.

5. “Passions Party”. A bunch of people sitting together talking about what they love and brainstorming about what they wish they could do with their lives, all in a nurturing and supportive environment of love. What we need (1) convince people that the “Passions Party” is completely on the up and up (2) a nurturing and supportive environment (3) Alchohol

6. “Babette’s Feast” Feast. A bunch of people eating great food while watching Babette’s feast. What we need (1) The movie from the Mars Hill Library (2) great food (3) wine

7. Women of liberation party: A Bunch of people sitting around eating food, listening to readings and celebrating the lives of women, like Joan of Ark and Sophie Shoal, who gave their lives for a better world.

Response to the Professor in Sexual Disorders Class

I still am having a hard time with what you said in class. When you said that women are almost always the relational barometers for a relationship, and that is because women are more relational than me. I know you are talking to women primarily and wanting women to know what to expect, but I think it discredits what being a man is. I know why I am not a relational barometer in my marriage. It is because I am afraid. I am afraid of what it would bring up and what it would require of me. But don’t tell me that men are incapable of being aware of the relationship. I have feelings and emotions, and I can be aware of them. I can be intuitive and can read the emotions of my partner. I have the Holy Spirit and I can listen to when my spirit and my soul is not right. The fact that I don’t does not mean I should. When I read the scripture I see no exception given to men for listening to the voice of God, or caring for others, or even the basic commandment of love. Love is not self seeking, it always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. If I as a man do not want to talk about the relationship, or care what is happening in the relationship, and refuse to take initiative in pursuing my partner, I do not love.

You also said that men and women are just built differently, and that affects how hard it is for men to stop in sex. How do you know what parts of this are social constructs, and what is not. I have heard the stories of many men of what messages they were told by their fathers. I have been told by countless movies, and books and sermons that as a man I have a sex drive that must be regulated and released. Do you know how that message makes me feel? Like an animal. Don’t tell me I am an animal because my greatest fear is that I will believe it. But I am not a slave to my desires. I, as a man, have the capability for self-control. In my sexual relations I am given no pass to take advantage of anyone. It is not primarily a women’s responsibility to stop a man from proceeding when she is unwilling or unsure. It is the responsibility of the man’s conscience.

I do not believe men can overcome their sexual violence toward women when men are consistently told they cannot help themselves. Our society, our churches and communities will not change while we don't hold men accountable. Can you please hold me and my sex to a higher standard? I have been created to reflect the glory of God. My God is a God of reconciliation and relationship. If I live under the message the world has given me as a man, I reflect God as using us for His purposes, as using us and discarding us.

Day 1 thoughts on Ephesians

1. This book is very positive, and Paul is in a very good mood

2. I usually gloss over all the positive stuff and get to the “to-do” list. It will take effort for me to really meditate on “what a rich and glorious inheritance He has given his people”

3. I don’ think Paul wants us to focus on our behaviors, at least in the first 3 chapters. When he brings up things for us to do, I think they are more of a sign that we are on the right path than a destination to strive for.

4. 5:10 “try to find what is pleasing to the Lord.” This sounds so playful to me. God is not looking for absolutes; there is often not a right or wrong. But he desires that we listen to the Holy Spirit and try things out

5. I like the first half of the book much more right now than the 2^nd half. But I do like the 2^nd half of chapter 6.

Feel free to comment on my thoughts or to make your own comments

Response to a Careless Patriot

(Letter written to some students who voiced thier allegiance to the President of Iran for his bravery in standing up to the United States)

While you were praising the President of Iran, I couldn’t help think that you were only lifting him up to put others down. You said that you don’t know what you believe about this man, but that you respect his desire to challenge the United States’ assertion that it has the right to be the world power. You seemed to be aligning yourself with anyone that is willing to challenge the United States.

I will follow your lead and assert myself that I don’t know what I believe about Iran, or even the United State’s place in the world. But What I do know is that your manner in approaching this subject troubled me. I don’t want you to believe I am making any rebuttal because of any uncomfort over my own beliefs. What I do believe, and believe more strongly than any position I have on any of these issues, is that what you did say in class is far from what your heart is longing to say. I don’t want you to gloss over injustice or ignore your greater sensitivity to what the Holy Spirit is saying to you. I want you to want more.

I don’t believe it is enough to fix the problems of the world. I think this would only lead to mediocrity, as fixing something that is bad only makes it “not bad”. I believe how we live into the resurrection of Christ is that we dream of heaven here on earth and align our hearts with the message that says it can happen and it can happen while we are alive. There is nothing more beautiful to me than the sight of someone who has sold her soul for the hope that the Kingdom of God can be created on earth, even though she is aware how impossible this dream really is. I want to be a man like this, naively trusting that I can be worker, a co-creator in building a Kingdom of Love, Freedom and Relationship, that will fail miserably almost every day I join in.

What I bring to you, then, is that you are setting your sights way to low. Instead of setting your mind against something you don’t believe in, why don’t you open your soul for something you believe in. Living into the incarnation is not aligning yourself with people who challenge the proud and powerful, any more than it is to join those who oppress others. Living into the incarnation is going to both the weak and powerful, both Iran and the United States, and painting a picture of a better world. Living into the incarnation is living under the rules of the Kingdom of God, a kingdom that shames the powerful not by attacking them but by elevating the weak. The Kingdom of God doesn’t have to convince people that they are wrong, does not have to shame, or argue. Even the smallest true glimpse of the outworking of the Glory of Heaven on Earth blazes with such Extravagant Grace that tears a hole in mankind. Paint the picture of heaven, live a life that turns the rules of the world on its head and it will shame a system more than any debate or refutation, more than and war or sanction.

As you talked I realized you were just as distant from your opinions as I was from you. In your life, where is the cost to you? It costs nothing to label and dismiss. Where are you abandoning yourself and your need to be right to bring the incarnation to a fallen world? You were made to long for something so fantastic and beautiful the world could not even fathom. Please hear this, please hear the excitement I have in believing you will become great, and hear my sadness that you are settling for fighting for mediocrity.

Response to a Critical Dismissers

(This is my response to some in my theology class who stated they had a hard time with the theologian we were reading because he was a rich white male and wanted to read something else)

When you talked about the need to hear other voices, I personally heard a stronger story in your statement, and I can’t help but feel dismissed by what you have said. I feel dismissed not because I am a rich, white, powerful male, though I am close. I feel dismissed because I have grown to love them; I have grown to see that many fought for life and freedom, and that many also fought for my current ability to think about them.

I have heard often the message to invite, I have been told many times to never look past someone because of their story, no matter what story it is. In my short time here at Mars Hill I have seen what it is like to be listened to when everyone else writes you off. I have read Jesus say to love my enemy, and I have hated those words. I want to separate, to see division and to make sides, for and against. I don’t want to kill someone with kindness, I want to wake them up and shame them of their self-centered ways. I don’t want to listen to my enemies, or the proud, or the self-righteous, I want to startle them out of their complacency and self-centeredness.

But as I am starting to believe what I am hearing I no longer want to love my enemies so that they will have heaping coal burn a hole through their heads, or whatever the good book says about such things says. I want to love them because I don’t want them to be my enemies. I don’t want enemies anymore. I have hurt too long living in this way. This is the struggle I am having with you as I am seeking a connection with you. I don’t want to invite you to dialogue; I want to dismiss you for your lack of acceptance. But I am now seeing that what I really desire is for you to risk accepting those who think differently than you and most of all to find freedom.

What you forgot to do was surrender. When you read this author, you brought your beliefs, world view and criticisms and you never put them down. Could you not try him out and see what was awakened in you? Could God not use even rich white men to communicate his story? But you did not because you never entered in. You didn’t like the color of the house, so you never walked in to see what was inside.

I feel dismissed by you not because I see you attacking ideas close to my heart. I feel dismissed by you because I believe you attacked a way of being, a way of living that seeks to hear others, not label others. When you chose to write someone off instead of listening and waiting, it breaks my heart. Not because of the damage a belief like that causes, though it causes so much. It breaks my heart because you were made for so much more. I hate to see you settling for putting others in a box when you were made for Glory.