Response to the Professor in Sexual Disorders Class

I still am having a hard time with what you said in class. When you said that women are almost always the relational barometers for a relationship, and that is because women are more relational than me. I know you are talking to women primarily and wanting women to know what to expect, but I think it discredits what being a man is. I know why I am not a relational barometer in my marriage. It is because I am afraid. I am afraid of what it would bring up and what it would require of me. But don’t tell me that men are incapable of being aware of the relationship. I have feelings and emotions, and I can be aware of them. I can be intuitive and can read the emotions of my partner. I have the Holy Spirit and I can listen to when my spirit and my soul is not right. The fact that I don’t does not mean I should. When I read the scripture I see no exception given to men for listening to the voice of God, or caring for others, or even the basic commandment of love. Love is not self seeking, it always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. If I as a man do not want to talk about the relationship, or care what is happening in the relationship, and refuse to take initiative in pursuing my partner, I do not love.

You also said that men and women are just built differently, and that affects how hard it is for men to stop in sex. How do you know what parts of this are social constructs, and what is not. I have heard the stories of many men of what messages they were told by their fathers. I have been told by countless movies, and books and sermons that as a man I have a sex drive that must be regulated and released. Do you know how that message makes me feel? Like an animal. Don’t tell me I am an animal because my greatest fear is that I will believe it. But I am not a slave to my desires. I, as a man, have the capability for self-control. In my sexual relations I am given no pass to take advantage of anyone. It is not primarily a women’s responsibility to stop a man from proceeding when she is unwilling or unsure. It is the responsibility of the man’s conscience.

I do not believe men can overcome their sexual violence toward women when men are consistently told they cannot help themselves. Our society, our churches and communities will not change while we don't hold men accountable. Can you please hold me and my sex to a higher standard? I have been created to reflect the glory of God. My God is a God of reconciliation and relationship. If I live under the message the world has given me as a man, I reflect God as using us for His purposes, as using us and discarding us.