Is Surrender worth it?

I have been trying this new thing. It probably will sound cliché to you, because in the past it has for me as well. But lately I have been trying to surrender to my experiences. When I am in a conversation I throw myself into trying out everything the person says. I consider everything and hold back nothing. When I write a paper, I ask myself what my heart is yearning for, not what answer my mind is quick to come up with. When I am reading a book I try to experience it with my whole being. That means I take off everything I believe as I try on what the author is saying. I stop defending myself, get rid of presuppositions and don’t fear the implications of whatever is being proposed. But I don’t do this by trying hard to not be defensive. I do it by being more and more open, and the lack of defensiveness and fear is only a sign of my openness.

Most of the time, when I read something, or watch a movie, I approach it like a critic would. I break it down into components and evaluate what is good and what is bad. From there I can tell you whether or not I liked something and why I like or don’t like it. But I can’t tell you how I experienced it, or what it felt like to live under the rules it professes. But when I surrender to my experience, I cannot evaluate, because evaluating doesn’t cost me anything. I have to approach my experiences with myself, and that leaves me vulnerable.

The process isn’t about believing everything you hear, or forgetting who you are, or being passive and weak. Somehow, I don’t know exactly how ; I am more present when I surrender. Maybe it is because my guards and presuppositions not only keep other people and ideas from impacting me, but they also keep me from entering the room.

Right now this process is exhausting. I know this is because I have so much experience approaching subjects cautiously, risking little and labeling quickly, and I have so little experience taking my time. So far I have at least one experience a day where I surrender myself to whatever is happening, surrounded by a greater number of experiences I tried to surrender to and failed, and an ever greater number I forgot to try and treated someone or something as an external object. I know I am noticing the other times more because of the contrast they have with the times that I am living in freedom.

But the process is absolutely exhilarating, and I have complete faith it will get easier the more I do it and the better I get. In one of my counseling sessions, where I tried to completely surrender to everything that was happening, my counselor noted the change in me. She said that she has never felt me more present in the room, and she has never felt more space for herself. I can’t think of a better complement right now.

As I am writing this I have had a really hard day with headaches, fear of disappointment and feeling overwhelmed. But the highlight of this day was surrendering my heart to writing this post, feeling free to let any emotion come up, whether it is fear, discouragement, distraction, boredom, excitement or bliss. After experiencing all of these emotions, I am left with a steady, determined thirst for this life, convinced that freedom and openness is worth the cost of exhaustion, disappointment, frustration and isolation and anything else that I will feel. I am living for Glory, and no price is to large for that.