4 Horses

It is said that there are four kinds of horses; excellent ones, good ones, poor ones and bad ones. The excellent horses will run slow and fast, right and left, at the driver's will, before it sees the shadow of the whip; the second best will run as well as the first one does, just before the whip reaches its skin; the poor ones will run when it feels pain on its body; the bad ones will run after the pain penetrates the marrow of its bones. This is how most of us view ourselves and the world. When we hear this story, we want to be the best horse, the one who has the easiest time changing, improving and succeeding.

But what if the measurement of the horses is wrong? what if instead of running, they should be measured by which horse experiences the run the most? Because the "bad horse" actually has to feel the whip deep inside of him, he knows the sacrifices needed to run. The excellent horse never thinks it has to sacrifice. This is how I believe God sees us and measures us. It is not how easy it is for us to live the Christian life, but rather how much we sacrifice to do it.

Happy Birthday

Today, Christmas day, is my mom's 60th birthday. Being at my parents home the past few days has really got me thinking about what my mom has taught me and how our relationship has been redeemed in the past 5 years or so. It is inevitable that parents will wound us, and my mom has been no exception. But what is amazing about my mom is how she has been an instigator of change and reconcilation in the same areas that were such wounds to me. So I decided to make up a quick list of the most important things I learned from my mom in the past few years.

1. You are never to old to completely change your life for the better.

My mom will freely admit that this time of her life is the best time of her life. She is more alive and more of who she was made to be than ever before. Most of this process of change started in her 50's.

2. The more secure you are in who God made you to be, the easier it is to express grace and kindness.

Over the last year or so, my wife and I have been amazed at how kind and giving my mom is. I never noticed it before. She was always a nice person and willing to sacrifice for others, but now she has the confidence to be abundantly personal, and I have benefited from the intention of this. I have begun to see this in my own life, that I really am much nicer and more giving than I thought I was.

3. When you are with someone who is fully present, everyone benefits.

My mom has become a person of intention and candor. She is less afraid to share her opinions, and she is never slow to acknowledge goodness and growth in others. Her presence in a group of people, has opened up conversations and relationships in ways I didn't know mothers could.

Should we pray?

I just read something I wrote a long while back that really shook me up. I was going through an old notebook and found a section called crazy prayers, written May 7^th 2003. I wrote out a bunch of prayers I had that were very fantastic and large, and in any logical sense they weren’t things that would naturally happen in my life. They weren’t needs I had, but rather far-fetched desires. I remember thinking a lot about abundance at the time, and coming to the realization that God is not working against me but rather for me. God wants to bless me abundantly, and at least according to many verses in the bible, is waiting for me to ask. So I asked.

On my list I prayed that God would give Stacy and I a huge house that we could minister from, bringing people in and always having it be a place of healing and hope. I prayed that we would become people of great influence and that people would want to be apart of whatever we were doing. I prayed that we would have many great people around us, people desiring great things and making them happen. And maybe most implausible of all, I prayed that I would become focused and manage my time well. But all of this still sounds great to me, and seeing this list again made me hunger for the place I was then, really believing in the abundance of God and waiting expectantly for it. What did surprise me was that I prayed that I wouldn’t have to work fulltime by the next two years.

If I remember right, what I was thinking was that God would provide some surprising blessing where I could spend more time ministering to others. What I got was very different, and until looking at the list, I never realized the connection. Within a year and a half of praying for this specific request I started to get headaches every day. By January I finally told Stacy that I have had a headache non-stop for a month. A month later I went in to the doctor, hoping he would give me a better pain reliever than what I was used to. He was hesitant about that; sure it was my new glasses. But I persisted, and he ordered me an MRI. A month later when that came back I had a brain malformation, and the only possible cure would be surgery. I am still waiting for that surgery.

Soon after that I had to quit work because the pain was too much. Since then I have tried to find ways to alleviate the pain, but it is still very bad. I have learned to work around a lot of the pain, and am in graduate school with at least decent odds of being able to pull it off and graduate. But what do I do about this prayer? I prayed that God would pull me out of fulltime work within 2 years, and I haven’t worked fulltime since. This is why I have a hard time praying such huge prayers. I am afraid of the size of God. I am dealing with someone who has a very different sense of what I can handle than I do. If I open up to God, I have no guarantee that I will end up okay on the other end. So this is where I am now, a part of me scared out of my mind at the otherness, the unpredictability of the creator of the world that I have never seen or heard, and the other part of me saying what the hell.

To Wonder

I am learning how to wonder. Not just about other things, but about me. This might not sound like a huge deal to you, but it is for me. I didn’t know that I could wonder about things. I didn’t think I had the time or the permission. I thought I better get things figured out pretty quickly, or I will get behind and never catch up. And others will leave me behind. Sounds exhausting just writing about it. I don’t know how I did it. I know I didn’t do it very well, that is for sure.

But I am finding out that I can wonder and that is good. I don’t have to find a solution to every problem in my life. All I have to do is not flee from my problems. So if I don’t flee and don’t find solutions, what is left? Everything. And that is what wonder is all about. It is about possibility and openness. It is realizing that I do get anxious with people, and I don’t have to fix it. I just get to think about it. “It is interesting that I am feeling anxious” I say to myself, “I wonder why”.

Lately it has come to my attention that much of my motivation comes from the desire to make others approve of me. I have been afraid of this realization for years. I have fought it, denied it, tried to make it not be true, and worked really hard to change my motivation. None of this worked, and finally I just sat down, exhausted, and admitted to myself it is true. And then I stayed there. I didn’t come with an action plan. I didn’t over think it. I didn’t even try to find the reason I do it, the point in my story of my life where it all came from.

I have done this in the past. I called it “checking out”. I would do everything I could to not think about what I knew was so painful to think about. But this time was different. I stayed there. I thought about it, but didn't try to fix it, or beat myself up, or come up with a plan. I thought about it, and then I thought about something else. The next time it came up, I wasn’t as anxious. So I thought about it then, and then thought about something else. Not purposely changing the subject in my mind, but thinking it through and letting my mind go where it needed to. A few days later, it came up again, and I wasn’t afraid of the truth of it at all.

But I haven’t just accepted it as me. I am not meant to be someone who needs other’s approval. God made me more glorious than that. I have approval from God and can find my worth in my own voice, my own identification with my placement in God. Knowing this keeps me from settling. Wondering about myself is never settling. Because settling is really no different than checking out. Instead of not thinking about the fact that I have a problem, I can just pretend that my problem is really no problem at all. Wonder takes it a step further. It says that I am going to change, but the process won’t happen through external effort. It will happen through the outpouring of internal change.

Now I can already see how I need less approval in my life. I have started to see the change in conversations, saying what I mean not to impress or get any reaction out of someone, but because it is more true of me. Being able to compliment people, give feedback and not worry that I will look dumb or that I am trying to hard. And the amazing thing is that I haven’t worked at all at needing less approval. I have just wondered about it.

Salt of the Earth

I have heard most of my life that we are to be the salt of the earth. It says we should do this in the bible. I know because I read it there. I just don’t remember where. Somewhere in the back.

Being the salt of the earth has something to do with standing out from others, and bringing flavor to the world. But I always thought that how we become salt in this word is to not do things. The best way to stand out, I thought to myself, is to not drink, not cuss, not sin, not gossip, not kill people, not have affairs, and not say God’s name in vain.

But I did all these things, and I didn’t really stand out. And most Christians try to do these things, at least for a while, until they get tired and do whatever their justification allows them to do. And then the non-Christian world looks at Christians and says that we are hypocrites. Which we are.

But what if saltiness has nothing to do with what we don’t do. What if we are to stand out for what we do? I am sure all my readers are agreeing at this point. But so would James Dobson and Pat Robertson and many other people you don’t agree with. They would say we should stand out by fighting for Christianity. I would disagree with them, and I hope you would, as well.

We don’t have to fight for Christianity, it is in good enough hands already. We don’t have to fight for anything.

But what should we stand out for? I think it is reconciliation. There is nothing weirder to a non-believing world than what happens when people reconcile. When people stand for justice, grieve the loss of relationship, ask for forgiveness and make steps toward a renewed relationship that is mutually beneficial. When we say to those who harm us “You hurt me, and I am sad and hurt. I am hurt because I am wounded and I feel less. I am sad because I have lost relationship with you. I want to forgive you because I miss you, I want reconciliation because I want you.” This is our cry for relationships, and this is very foreign to a world that labels people quickly, writes them off, looks at them only for how they are productive and generally discards people at the first hint of betrayal. What could stand out more to a world needing hope than a Christian community combined with perpetrators and victims, always looking for reconciliation, always pushing for restored relationships? This is salt, this is light, and this is exciting. Why aren’t you fighting for broken relationships in your own life? Where is your heart for reconciliation, for the relationship after the rupture, the chance to extend grace, to humbly risk yourself to another?

Peach and Peach

"Where have you been?" I said to myself.

"Oh, around, but mainly not around. I haven't been out much, just adjusting to new things and struggling though old things. I don't feel myself, though. I feel empty when I stay in. Days just seems to go by and nothing changes and I don't notice myself at all. It is as if I forget to ask about me. And I get discouraged, and that keeps me in." I responded

"Don't loose heart" I said to myself "You are out today, and it is good to see you. So be happy that you are out, and enjoy noticing yourself."

"I will" I said "And I do"

An Open Letter to a Dying Saint

Today you asked me to tell you again about death.

Death is glory. Glory so great that it requires more of you that you can give now. God has a new purpose for you. A greater purpose. You body is tired and used, it is fulfilled its purpose. But God is not done with you. He will need to equip you to live with Him in glory.

God has a purpose for you and He wants to put you to work. He wants you to build with your hands something that produces glory, something that reflects His incomprehensible beauty. But now your hands are old and used. They have suffered the age of this world; they have been worn down with toil and pain. You need new hands, hands that can craft the beauty of Heaven. You need hands of Gold, a perfect mirror that reflect face of God. Your new hands can make something beautiful because they radiate the only true source of Beauty.

Your eyes are too weak to see the beauty of your new hands. They are old from straining. You strained too hard to see God how your eyes thought He should look. You fought and fought for God to make sense and be visible. This wore out your eyes, and God wants to give you new ones. He wants to put diamonds in your eyes, diamonds that pierce through the truth of anything they see. Your new eyes will pierce through any box you try to put God in, they will not let you limit Him. You are now ready.

Your ears are not good enough. You need to hear all the words of God. God is huge, but he also speaks quietly, intimately. He whispers his love in poetry too intimate, to sensual for anyone else to hear. Your ears are tired. You need ears to hear the quietest whisper, the faintest breaths. God will give you ears of leaves, leaves that soak up the words, than grow and thrive only when they are fed words of life. God has secrets, and He wants you to know them.

Your feet are too slow. You need new feet. God created you to enjoy Him, and He has missed the sight of you in pure pleasure. Now God says it is time to play…

An Open Letter to a Wounded Idealist

My dear friend, I love your heart. I love your passion and compassion, your fierce rejection of anything but truth. Your heart hates the effects of evil, and it will not let God off the hook. You have seen what this world can do to innocent people. There is no reason to hide your disappointment, or to temper your rage. You don’t allow yourself to be appeased with trite answers; you desire freedom from evil and hate. Your heart calls me to more; it keeps me honest and searching. You are a beautiful manifestation of the compassion and passion of God.

God also loves your heart. He made you to feel, and experience. He created your heart huge and powerful. You have a bigger heart than most people, but God made your heart to be bigger than you can imagine, and he is working even now to grow your heart. And God is not afraid of your heart. He is not afraid of what you will find when you follow your heart towards compassion, towards true justice and the true state of mankind. He wants more of you, not less of you.

Now, you say there can be no reason good enough for the pain and suffering that happens in the world. All the rape and killing of children. Starvation, tsunamis, earthquakes, dictators, children soldiers, ethnic cleansing. I agree with you. There is nothing I can come up with that could possibly make all of this worth it.

But I have hope that there is something more, something bigger and deeper than anything I can imagine. This is the promise of God that some days I get to believe and some days I don’t. This is what Paul was talking about when he said “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us”. It must be amazing, whatever it is that will be revealed to us that can redeem the worst the world has ever suffered. The greater the evil, the greater the size of whatever can redeem it. You do not let God off the hook for the truth of evil. Do not let Him off the hook for the incomprehensible size of what He says will redeem everything.

You don’t have to believe it. Most days I don’t. But I do know that the one who promises me this also is the only one who surprises me. When I glimpse the face of God, using when I am singing in church, I am overwhelmed with what His presence says to me. The difference between what I know to be true and what I experience with God is so profound that it brings me to tears. Usually sobs and gasps and it becomes uncomfortable for those next to me. But somehow this brings me comfort. I pray that one day this will bring your beautiful heart comfort as well.

To all my readers who are also wounded idealists, where do you see yourself in this? Do not let me off the hook, but rather challenge my comfort.

How to Bring Out the Glory in Others

1. Laugh

2. Encourage and praise

3. Brag about the strengths of your friends

4. Ask questions, be interested

5. Pray

6. Accept first, then figure out what to do

7. Be affectionate

8. Smile

9. Make eye contact

10. Be excited to see people, sad to see them leave

11. Expect greatness

12. Expose them to other great people

13. Know things about them, remember what they tell you

14. Always look for someone’s hidden glory, encourage it to come out

15. Praise them every time they accomplish even the smallest thing

16. Be willing to be deep but be easy going

17. Be courageous in confrontation, but always one on one

18. Allow criticism, and don’t defend yourself

19. Give others the spotlight

20. Shine yourself and others will want to as well

By Jeremy Pietsch

God as Lover

I always had a hard time really getting a lot from seeing God as father. This probably says a lot about me. I had neither a really great relationship with my earthly father when I was a kid, or a really poor one. If it would have been great I could have just viewed God the same way I view my dad. If it would have been bad, I would have looked to God to fill a gapping hole in my life that my earthly father never filled, to be the perfect father. But it turns out, for me at least, a “good-enough” father leads to a lack of desire for a “good-enough” Father God.

I struggled with this for years, trying to see God as father. I could see God as a friend, because I longed for friendships. I could see God as “Other” because I was very aware of my sinfulness and separation from anything perfect. I could see God in nature, in science, in knowledge. I could see God hiding underneath the words I read as I learned about any subject. I can see His grace, His longing for connection, His love of reconciliation in counseling. I can see His creation come alive when I write. But I didn’t know how to “balance” my view of God.

But I finally made a choice, and I think it is slowly changing everything about me. I no longer want a balanced view of God. I want to see him first and foremost as lover. I am sure this might sound weird to some and unbalanced to others. But I realized it was time to take a risk and try to live in faith. If I am wrong I will take it up with God when I get to heaven.

The change already has been dramatic. When God is most central as lover, I relate to Him not with my thoughts, but with longing. If I believe Song of Solomon, God does not hate me for my sin, or just want me to be a better person. God desires me. It is impossible to stay the same when you live your life realizing God is constantly moving towards you. Movement changes people, and it has changed me.

When God is lover, I remember to relate to Him, to interact with him with my whole body. It is easy to think about God, or tell Him you love Him. It is hard to “feel” God. It is even harder to remember that God feels me. As I change my presence, as I grow into the very person I am, God notices the change in me. He doesn’t just listen to what I say, or just watch I do, but He feels my presence when I do things that affect my heart. God experiences me through His senses the same way I love Him through my senses. He loves me sensually.

I have just begun my thoughts on this subject, and most of it I will only figure out as it actually happens to me. I am experiencing God pursue me more, long for me as I long for Him. I believe His love for me more often, and I am more excited for heaven. Salvation is a wedding ring. He is preparing me for the wedding. I will take my chances seeing God as my perfect lover, and I as the object of His desire.

What do you think? Should we be careful in our view of God or should we take more risks?

A Little Crazy Can't Be All Bad

Balance is good. I have heard this message for years, and for years I believed it. Our generations are all screaming for balance as if it is a solution to every problem. Balance is not making choices, but doing a little of everything. Why choose between having a family and a busy job? If you are balanced you don’t need to choose. Balance keeps you from taking unnecessary risks by hedging your bets. Why should you just teach your children piano, when you can also have them learn ballet, and soccer and Latin?

This leads to “well-roundedness”. In this worldview, extremes are seen as bad. You shouldn’t be “right-wing” or “left-wing”. You shouldn’t care about your job to the detriment of your family. You should balance your work life, social life, family life and spiritual life. You should read a little bit from every perspective, you should know a little bit about every subject, you should try new restaurants, try every exercise machine in the gym, get to know people from different cultures, learn new languages, hang out with people who think differently than you and never be too passionate about one thing to the detriment of your other passions.

I don’t know if I disagree with any of these things. This seems like a very rational argument for the need of balance. Even my field of study, psychology, puts great value on removing extremes, balancing and perspective. Often it seems to me that the pinnacle of mental health is seeing oneself as “not that bad” and “good, but not the greatest thing ever.”

But something about all this balancing seems not quite right to me. I am not sure I want to be rational and balanced. I only get to live once, and I am afraid a little too much of hedging my bets and choosing a little of everything will not only keep me “well-rounded"” but also mediocre. There is a proverb that says “there are no rational men at the top of the mountain.” Many of the biographies I have read of great men and women where far from balanced people. They were poor parents, tough on co-workers, incredibly inefficient, bad at attention to detail and often very willing to bend the rules.

Whenever the discussion comes up about great men in the past and their lack of paying attention to their children, it is always said that they should have balanced their lives more, and this would have made everything better. What if there is another option? What if they balanced their lives less? Instead of not spending time with their wives and kids, what if they didn’t have a family? Then they wouldn’t have to balance work life with family life. What if we encouraged our passionate missionaries, visionaries and luminaries to make hard choices? What if the answer isn’t always balancing everything, but balancing fewer things?

I don’t know what to do with this subject. I don’t want to go crazy, or be a poor family man, or push others away with too much extreme. But I also want to be great, not mediocre. Tell me what you think? Am I wrong in having such a hard time with being “well-rounded", or is there something to being a little extreme?

Shannon's Recipe for Life

BOOKS THAT BRING HEAVEN TO EARTH

Georges Bernanos “Diary of a Country Priest”

“All is grace”

G.K. Chesterton “Man Who Was Thursday”

“Everything is related in romance”

G.K. Chesterton “Orthodoxy”

“Life is a romance and a fairy tale, and it is the conclusion of the spiritually wise that find this”

Letters of Van Gogh:

“beauty is everywhere”

Rainier Maria Rilke “Letters to a Young Poet”

“Love your life”

Antoine de Saint Exupéry “The little prince”

“Don’t accept what you are given”

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky “Brothers Karamazov”

Especially Zosìma and Alyosha

“Abandonment to Love of Everything”

Frederick Buechner “Godric”

The gospel as fairytale, embracing the emotional and sensual richness of your life

C.S. Lewis “Till We Have Faces”

“Every time I read it, I get more, but there is so much to it and it is still a mystery.

Marva Dawn “Powers, Weakness, and the Tabernacling of God”

“Our weakness is not a voluntary weakening of our strengths, but weakness is at the end of our strengths, and God is there.”

Erwin McManus “Barbarian Way”

“The call of the Christian is to tenacious freedom and action”

Song of the year

Hello Readers, this is the project for picking a theme song for the coming year. Last year’s song was “poor man’s house” by patty griffin, which, unfortunately, I don’t know how to add to this post. So I would love if you would send your nominees for the theme song of my next year, then I will let you all vote on the nominees. Songs that are emotionally moving and have some good lyrics are usually best, but we are open to all sorts of creativity here.

Is Surrender worth it?

I have been trying this new thing. It probably will sound cliché to you, because in the past it has for me as well. But lately I have been trying to surrender to my experiences. When I am in a conversation I throw myself into trying out everything the person says. I consider everything and hold back nothing. When I write a paper, I ask myself what my heart is yearning for, not what answer my mind is quick to come up with. When I am reading a book I try to experience it with my whole being. That means I take off everything I believe as I try on what the author is saying. I stop defending myself, get rid of presuppositions and don’t fear the implications of whatever is being proposed. But I don’t do this by trying hard to not be defensive. I do it by being more and more open, and the lack of defensiveness and fear is only a sign of my openness.

Most of the time, when I read something, or watch a movie, I approach it like a critic would. I break it down into components and evaluate what is good and what is bad. From there I can tell you whether or not I liked something and why I like or don’t like it. But I can’t tell you how I experienced it, or what it felt like to live under the rules it professes. But when I surrender to my experience, I cannot evaluate, because evaluating doesn’t cost me anything. I have to approach my experiences with myself, and that leaves me vulnerable.

The process isn’t about believing everything you hear, or forgetting who you are, or being passive and weak. Somehow, I don’t know exactly how ; I am more present when I surrender. Maybe it is because my guards and presuppositions not only keep other people and ideas from impacting me, but they also keep me from entering the room.

Right now this process is exhausting. I know this is because I have so much experience approaching subjects cautiously, risking little and labeling quickly, and I have so little experience taking my time. So far I have at least one experience a day where I surrender myself to whatever is happening, surrounded by a greater number of experiences I tried to surrender to and failed, and an ever greater number I forgot to try and treated someone or something as an external object. I know I am noticing the other times more because of the contrast they have with the times that I am living in freedom.

But the process is absolutely exhilarating, and I have complete faith it will get easier the more I do it and the better I get. In one of my counseling sessions, where I tried to completely surrender to everything that was happening, my counselor noted the change in me. She said that she has never felt me more present in the room, and she has never felt more space for herself. I can’t think of a better complement right now.

As I am writing this I have had a really hard day with headaches, fear of disappointment and feeling overwhelmed. But the highlight of this day was surrendering my heart to writing this post, feeling free to let any emotion come up, whether it is fear, discouragement, distraction, boredom, excitement or bliss. After experiencing all of these emotions, I am left with a steady, determined thirst for this life, convinced that freedom and openness is worth the cost of exhaustion, disappointment, frustration and isolation and anything else that I will feel. I am living for Glory, and no price is to large for that.

Just Worship

Damn N.T. Wright. Why are you so smart? If you were less smart I could argue with you in the way you argue, which is with big words, dropping important names and bible references. I don’t think you would ever listen to me otherwise. If I came to you and told you my conscience is uncomfortable with what you write, what would you say? What if I told you I have seen God work in different ways? What if I said I have learned to be intuitive to my emotions as I encounter the emotions of others, and that I feel fear when I read your piece. Not that I am afraid, but maybe that you write out of a certain sense of fear, of an obligation to keep things together. What would you say to me?

What you could do is use my methods against me. You could say that your conscience is right before the Lord. You could say that I am uncomfortable with your theology because I am uncomfortable with all modern theologians, an unfair grouping akin to racism. You could say that I am confusing you with other theologians and I haven’t really given you a chance. You could say that it is my personal issues that want to keep things from being held together, that it is my own fear that others will control me that makes me fight against anything that smells of control. And you would be right on all counts.

But it doesn’t mean that there is no space for me also being right.

You said no one should worship the sun. You wrote that beauty and nature is only an echo of God. Not only is nature not God, but it cannot directly lead you to God. This is where I cannot in good conscience go along with you. All this seems to make logical sense to me, but I still don’t like it. Life is not separated into what is logical and what is illogical. I can’t help but feel that your method is a deadening of desire, maybe even leading to the quenching of the spirit.

If nature brings you to God, don’t qualify it. Just worship. When you glimpse beauty, throw your soul at it, don’t hold back. You can never see God in beauty with a tentative heart. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get over my self and actually feel for something outside of myself? My heart is already careful, I do not need to calm it more. I need to let it free. If the sun calls me to God, I will sing to the Glory of a God that knows of my lack of understanding, and loves to see that I enjoy Him.

Waiting for Glory

I titled this blog “is change possible” because I saw my life calling as trying to bring change. I said that I would be willing to be apart of any major movement as long as it was about change. I am beginning to see this as foolish. I think that change doesn’t happen by focusing on change. Change is only a result of wanting something greater. I am beginning to believe change happens when I focus on Glory.

But I couldn’t be where I am now without going through where I once was. My focus on change gave me a sense of longing, an unquenchable desire for more than mediocrity. By wanting change, I began to see what doesn’t matter, what is waste. It became so unimportant to me to look cool, or coming across as cool or attracting attention just so people would like me. Not that I don’t want people to like me. I am a self-professed intimacy junkie. It’s just that I had a stronger urge for them to like me for the right reasons.

I wanted relationships because I heard they brought change and I believed them. It is not knowledge, or insight, or memorizing bible verses that help someone overcome their fractured self. We are healed only when we experience wholeness, and we do this in relationship. When I am lonely I am not made whole by telling myself that I am a good person, or that God loves me, or that this is because my 2^nd grade teacher shamed me for wanting relationships. These are all important things to know and they can bring a lot of healing, but they should never be the primary goal. What changes me when I am lonely is to experience what it is to not be alone with another person. To long for change is to long for relationships.

I know see a better reason for wanting relationships than wanting change. What if I wanted relationships so I can love and be loved? That is it. It is such a simple idea, I might get the idea that carrying this out will be easy. But abandonment is never easy, and alloying myself to be known, to be seen, to be experienced and to be loved is impossible without a foolish amount of abandonment.

As I step back and look at this world, I realize how foolish I was to aim for change. This world needs more than positive change. This world needs Glory. God calls us to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth. That is Glory. When I dream of the beauty, the awesomeness of God’s Kingdom, I don’t need to think about what is wrong with the world. The redemption of the world comes naturally as an abundant outpouring as I focus on greater things.

God wants us to shame the wise and humble the proud with the wisdom of Heaven. But I cannot do this by looking at the wise and the proud. When I experiencing the absurdity of Heaven I naturally call the world into account. By living in the freedom of Glory, I can live free from others expectations and control. To not live under power exposes the limits of the powerful. When I relate to someone without cowering, or allowing them to shame me, or reacting and becoming defensive, I bring them shame. But I don’t want to do it for them, to shame them. I want to do it for me, because it is always better to be free.

When I invite someone into relationship with me when I know they want to label me, I can expose the holes in their judgments. When I stand up for myself and show grace, I make someone curious. Maybe they will question if what they believe is right. Maybe they will look at themselves a second longer. See, turning the other cheek is never about backing down. It is about getting knocked on your ass, dusting yourself off, standing right back up in the face of your oppressor, and inviting him to knock you on your ass again. But this time it is different. Because that is not weak. Choosing not to fight is very different than being unable to fight. But once again I do not want to stand up and turn my cheek to my oppressor because I want to show him his folly. I stand up because I want to get out of the dirt. I turn my check because it is better for ME to not respond in anger. It is because I see God’s glory when I do not hate.

I realized all of this when I was thinking of suffering and how important it is for the Christian life. But suffering is only a result of something greater; it should never be a goal in and of itself. A good friend told me that desiring to suffer only leads people to self-righteousness and making them a martyr. But when we envision joy, and yearn to find it, pursue it ever chance we get, and fight to find the joy in this world, suffering will come. But it leads to much fuller suffering. It is suffering from longing for the perfection of the provision of God’s hand. This is glory. This is not self-righteous, because it is longing for something greater than suffering, which is Joy, but it realizes that all joy requires suffering. Because of this, suffering can become beauty. But only when it is a result of searching for something much greater.

I guess I could have titled this post “Focus” because everything I am writing about concerns what should be your primary focus. It is not enough to focus on good things, or make a priority of the truths of the bible. To live into the Kingdom of Glory, we all have to focus on only the best things. Sometimes when I think about how much effort it takes to train myself to live for Glory, I get exhausted. Because it will be a lot of work. But I am comforted that my strength to live under Glory will not come from a superior amount of determination or effort, but an ever greatening simplicity of focus.

Comming Attractions

These are a few of the Festivals that need to happen this fall. Most of them will occur at the Mars Dorm, so if you are in the area, please check times and see what festivals are available. If any of you were thinking of moving to Seattle and needed some extra motivation I hope this will spur your decision on.

1. West Wing/a Few Good Men/Clueless party: A bunch of people sitting around a table, staying up all night solving the world’s problems, eating Chinese food. We would need (1) an apartment (2) a big table that could fit laptops, loose paper strewn everywhere, and Chinese food, and (3) Chinese food. And let us not forget (4) people that want to change the world

2. Anne of Green Gables party: A bunch of people sitting around watching hours and hours of Anne of Green Gables. What we need (1) the movie, (2) a projector that that one girl can get from her dad who works at a church (3) pillows and blankets to sit on (4) a big open wall (5) tea and fancy little cookies and fancy little cracker and other fancy foods you eat at a tea party and (6) costumes, at least for Kim. No one else really needs a costume.

3. Patty Griffin party: A bunch of people listening to Justin and Naomi playing Patty Griffin Songs. What we need (1) Justin (2) Naomi (3) Snacks

4. Martin Luther King Party: This happens on or near Martin Luther King Day In January, and it is a bunch of people getting together around candles and listening to readings of Martin Luther King Jr. We need (1) candles (2) Shannon or Naomi or someone who is a great reader (3) Works of Martin Luther King Jr.

5. “Passions Party”. A bunch of people sitting together talking about what they love and brainstorming about what they wish they could do with their lives, all in a nurturing and supportive environment of love. What we need (1) convince people that the “Passions Party” is completely on the up and up (2) a nurturing and supportive environment (3) Alchohol

6. “Babette’s Feast” Feast. A bunch of people eating great food while watching Babette’s feast. What we need (1) The movie from the Mars Hill Library (2) great food (3) wine

7. Women of liberation party: A Bunch of people sitting around eating food, listening to readings and celebrating the lives of women, like Joan of Ark and Sophie Shoal, who gave their lives for a better world.

Response to the Professor in Sexual Disorders Class

I still am having a hard time with what you said in class. When you said that women are almost always the relational barometers for a relationship, and that is because women are more relational than me. I know you are talking to women primarily and wanting women to know what to expect, but I think it discredits what being a man is. I know why I am not a relational barometer in my marriage. It is because I am afraid. I am afraid of what it would bring up and what it would require of me. But don’t tell me that men are incapable of being aware of the relationship. I have feelings and emotions, and I can be aware of them. I can be intuitive and can read the emotions of my partner. I have the Holy Spirit and I can listen to when my spirit and my soul is not right. The fact that I don’t does not mean I should. When I read the scripture I see no exception given to men for listening to the voice of God, or caring for others, or even the basic commandment of love. Love is not self seeking, it always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. If I as a man do not want to talk about the relationship, or care what is happening in the relationship, and refuse to take initiative in pursuing my partner, I do not love.

You also said that men and women are just built differently, and that affects how hard it is for men to stop in sex. How do you know what parts of this are social constructs, and what is not. I have heard the stories of many men of what messages they were told by their fathers. I have been told by countless movies, and books and sermons that as a man I have a sex drive that must be regulated and released. Do you know how that message makes me feel? Like an animal. Don’t tell me I am an animal because my greatest fear is that I will believe it. But I am not a slave to my desires. I, as a man, have the capability for self-control. In my sexual relations I am given no pass to take advantage of anyone. It is not primarily a women’s responsibility to stop a man from proceeding when she is unwilling or unsure. It is the responsibility of the man’s conscience.

I do not believe men can overcome their sexual violence toward women when men are consistently told they cannot help themselves. Our society, our churches and communities will not change while we don't hold men accountable. Can you please hold me and my sex to a higher standard? I have been created to reflect the glory of God. My God is a God of reconciliation and relationship. If I live under the message the world has given me as a man, I reflect God as using us for His purposes, as using us and discarding us.

Day 1 thoughts on Ephesians

1. This book is very positive, and Paul is in a very good mood

2. I usually gloss over all the positive stuff and get to the “to-do” list. It will take effort for me to really meditate on “what a rich and glorious inheritance He has given his people”

3. I don’ think Paul wants us to focus on our behaviors, at least in the first 3 chapters. When he brings up things for us to do, I think they are more of a sign that we are on the right path than a destination to strive for.

4. 5:10 “try to find what is pleasing to the Lord.” This sounds so playful to me. God is not looking for absolutes; there is often not a right or wrong. But he desires that we listen to the Holy Spirit and try things out

5. I like the first half of the book much more right now than the 2^nd half. But I do like the 2^nd half of chapter 6.

Feel free to comment on my thoughts or to make your own comments

Response to a Careless Patriot

(Letter written to some students who voiced thier allegiance to the President of Iran for his bravery in standing up to the United States)

While you were praising the President of Iran, I couldn’t help think that you were only lifting him up to put others down. You said that you don’t know what you believe about this man, but that you respect his desire to challenge the United States’ assertion that it has the right to be the world power. You seemed to be aligning yourself with anyone that is willing to challenge the United States.

I will follow your lead and assert myself that I don’t know what I believe about Iran, or even the United State’s place in the world. But What I do know is that your manner in approaching this subject troubled me. I don’t want you to believe I am making any rebuttal because of any uncomfort over my own beliefs. What I do believe, and believe more strongly than any position I have on any of these issues, is that what you did say in class is far from what your heart is longing to say. I don’t want you to gloss over injustice or ignore your greater sensitivity to what the Holy Spirit is saying to you. I want you to want more.

I don’t believe it is enough to fix the problems of the world. I think this would only lead to mediocrity, as fixing something that is bad only makes it “not bad”. I believe how we live into the resurrection of Christ is that we dream of heaven here on earth and align our hearts with the message that says it can happen and it can happen while we are alive. There is nothing more beautiful to me than the sight of someone who has sold her soul for the hope that the Kingdom of God can be created on earth, even though she is aware how impossible this dream really is. I want to be a man like this, naively trusting that I can be worker, a co-creator in building a Kingdom of Love, Freedom and Relationship, that will fail miserably almost every day I join in.

What I bring to you, then, is that you are setting your sights way to low. Instead of setting your mind against something you don’t believe in, why don’t you open your soul for something you believe in. Living into the incarnation is not aligning yourself with people who challenge the proud and powerful, any more than it is to join those who oppress others. Living into the incarnation is going to both the weak and powerful, both Iran and the United States, and painting a picture of a better world. Living into the incarnation is living under the rules of the Kingdom of God, a kingdom that shames the powerful not by attacking them but by elevating the weak. The Kingdom of God doesn’t have to convince people that they are wrong, does not have to shame, or argue. Even the smallest true glimpse of the outworking of the Glory of Heaven on Earth blazes with such Extravagant Grace that tears a hole in mankind. Paint the picture of heaven, live a life that turns the rules of the world on its head and it will shame a system more than any debate or refutation, more than and war or sanction.

As you talked I realized you were just as distant from your opinions as I was from you. In your life, where is the cost to you? It costs nothing to label and dismiss. Where are you abandoning yourself and your need to be right to bring the incarnation to a fallen world? You were made to long for something so fantastic and beautiful the world could not even fathom. Please hear this, please hear the excitement I have in believing you will become great, and hear my sadness that you are settling for fighting for mediocrity.

Response to a Critical Dismissers

(This is my response to some in my theology class who stated they had a hard time with the theologian we were reading because he was a rich white male and wanted to read something else)

When you talked about the need to hear other voices, I personally heard a stronger story in your statement, and I can’t help but feel dismissed by what you have said. I feel dismissed not because I am a rich, white, powerful male, though I am close. I feel dismissed because I have grown to love them; I have grown to see that many fought for life and freedom, and that many also fought for my current ability to think about them.

I have heard often the message to invite, I have been told many times to never look past someone because of their story, no matter what story it is. In my short time here at Mars Hill I have seen what it is like to be listened to when everyone else writes you off. I have read Jesus say to love my enemy, and I have hated those words. I want to separate, to see division and to make sides, for and against. I don’t want to kill someone with kindness, I want to wake them up and shame them of their self-centered ways. I don’t want to listen to my enemies, or the proud, or the self-righteous, I want to startle them out of their complacency and self-centeredness.

But as I am starting to believe what I am hearing I no longer want to love my enemies so that they will have heaping coal burn a hole through their heads, or whatever the good book says about such things says. I want to love them because I don’t want them to be my enemies. I don’t want enemies anymore. I have hurt too long living in this way. This is the struggle I am having with you as I am seeking a connection with you. I don’t want to invite you to dialogue; I want to dismiss you for your lack of acceptance. But I am now seeing that what I really desire is for you to risk accepting those who think differently than you and most of all to find freedom.

What you forgot to do was surrender. When you read this author, you brought your beliefs, world view and criticisms and you never put them down. Could you not try him out and see what was awakened in you? Could God not use even rich white men to communicate his story? But you did not because you never entered in. You didn’t like the color of the house, so you never walked in to see what was inside.

I feel dismissed by you not because I see you attacking ideas close to my heart. I feel dismissed by you because I believe you attacked a way of being, a way of living that seeks to hear others, not label others. When you chose to write someone off instead of listening and waiting, it breaks my heart. Not because of the damage a belief like that causes, though it causes so much. It breaks my heart because you were made for so much more. I hate to see you settling for putting others in a box when you were made for Glory.

Ephesians: The Everlasting Ecstatic Embrace for Everyone, Everyday

In October I want to read the book of Ephesians once a day, every day, for the whole month. I would love it if you read it with me. I am going to write my thoughts, emotions and observations in the comment section and I hope that you will join me in commenting, but you don't have to comment. I think it would be great for a lot of people to be reading the same thing at once.

Can a blog start a revolution?

My friend Shannon asked this question this morning. He answered the question by saying “probably not” because people don’t pay attention to one thing anymore. I remember when the Passion of Christ came out and everyone was so excited about how it was going to change the world. A few years later and the world appears pretty similar. I went to a church where the pastor gave an entire message about what the Christian response to the Da Vinci Code. I thought a very appropriate response would be to get out of the way and let it die a slow death. Which it did. How many conversations do you still hear about the Da Vinci code? If you do, it is obvious you surround yourself with uninteresting people. Take that.

I have many more examples of us thinking a coming event would change our lives, and soon afterwards it whimpers a slow, pitiful death. Do you remember Y2K. I do. People, even educated people, thought that we might enter a new “dark age”. I remember Christians talking about how we could be a blessing to the community by providing generators and clean water and canned foods and bibles. I imagine these Christians feeling disappointed that the world didn’t fall apart and they didn’t have the opportunity to help rebuild a fallen world. I was happy because we were out of DiGiorno’s. I love DiGiorno’s.

I also remember all the diseases just since the year 2000 that were supposed to wipe out large parts of the population. Do you remember Asian Flu? Some scientists lost some of their Asian Flu vials and it was supposed to cause an outbreak similar to the great Asian Flu outbreak of 1959 that killed 69,800 people in the U.S. alone. It was in the news every day and people were flipping out. But what happened? Nothing. More people died of boredom during the outbreak (2) than from the disease (0). You probably don’t even remember it. But were freaking out at the time, just like you were freaking out about Y2K. I know cause I was there, and I was laughing at you. Take that.

Then one year they told everyone that the same Flu Virus that caused the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918 was back, and it was in a bad mood and was going to kick some ass and take names. Between 1918 and 1919 50 to 100 million people died throughout the world. Very scary. Our new version? So uninteresting it doesn’t even have a wikipedia page. Remember how you were going all hogshit about the West Nile Virus? Or Bird Flu? Or Sars? I do. You were obnoxious. Very few things actually change out lives, and so far, the News hasn’t predicted any of them. And yet the next time the News mentions a scary disease or Jesus sometimes gets extra attention in the secular world, you will go all apeshit again.

Anyway, now that I am done thoroughly mocking your small-mindedness and logically kicking your ass, I will get back to Shannon’s question. Could a blog cause a revolution? It could never be my blog, because the few readers I have won’t lift their index finger and push the comment button. But I do think a blog could be a huge place for change. It would be impossible to explain, and would have to somehow get to the illusive “tipping point” that is required in all social epidemics. But it could happen.

But I don’t believe it could just be one women’s amazing thoughts with a heard of loyal followers listening and carrying out her commands. I believe any social phenomenon of this century will have to be more mutual and social than that. It will have to be something where the sum of the contributions is larger than the parts. Social phenomena grow exponentially, and someone not apart of them can never understand why they become so powerful.

People would come to the blog not to hear great wisdom but to become caught up in a great dialogue that will bring out the greatness inside of them. Not only would it be about people’s ideas, but their ways of thinking, ways of beings and ways of interacting with the world, and all of these would be infused and transformed by the relationality of what happens there. It isn’t just that your ideas would be balanced by other people’s ideas. It is that your entire life is changed because you are in intentional relationship with a community that is devoted to something much larger than themselves. This is what I am waiting for. Not necessarily a blog, but some social movement that could start a revolution. So, if any of you are still reading after the righteous mocking I gave you and you have any ideas on how to start a revolution, give me your blogger address and let’s get started.

Two Themes

When I read the bible, I like to read it in larger chunks and I like to read a lot over a limited amount of time. This helps me get a different perspective and helps me develops a sense of themes. I would say that in this period of my life nothing interests me more about the bible than themes. I want to know the emphasis of the bible much more than the specific truth in a specific passage. I want to know what the bible cares about more, not just what we can take away from a small portion of the bible. This helps me from justifying my beliefs on one text. Because of this I know that God talks much more about money than he does hell. He talks about the poor more often than salvation. And he talks about love much more often than judgment.

But in doing this I found the bible doesn’t always line up with itself. I seemed to be finding two different themes, both of them weaving through the entire text. One of the themes centers in creation, the other in the death of Jesus. Once I made this “discovery” I decided to focus on their differences and see where it goes if I allow myself to work in the incongruity and not the bible into something safer and more harmonious.

The God of the first theme is the God that rewards us on earth. He is the God of Abraham, who is rewarded financially for his faith, and Job, who is similarly rewarded for “speaking of God what is right”. This is the God of Proverbs, which gives guidelines for success, and of John 15, who wants us to “bear much fruit”. In Psalms 104 we see the celebration of creation and the rejection of anxiety. In Psalms 150 we see the need for radical and unreasonable abandon, the giving up of control. This God wants us to succeed in His will here on earth. This is the God of abundance and extravagance and awe. Nature, birth, life, anything that has beauty speaks to this theme.

Walter Brueggemann writes “The Bible starts out with a liturgy of abundance. Genesis I is a song of praise for God's generosity. It tells how well the world is ordered. It keeps saying, "It is good, it is good, it is good, it is very good." It declares that God blesses -- that is, endows with vitality -- the plants and the animals and the fish and the birds and humankind. And it pictures the creator as saying, "Be fruitful and multiply." In an orgy of fruitfulness, everything in its kind is to multiply the overflowing goodness that pours from God's creator spirit.”

But there is another theme, just as necessary. Not only is nature reflecting God’s glory, but the “earth is groaning as in the pains of childbirth”. All of history demanded the death of Jesus.

This theme is different and countercultural. It breaks all the rules. It says that the last will be first. It says that thing about the rich man and the camel. It calls leaders to be servants and blesses the poor, the oppressed and the needy. This theme is especially prevalent in the Gospel of Luke, where Jesus is consistently seen shaming the proud and confident while not just comforting but praising the weak and hurting.

This theme is very popular in the circles I run with. It makes fools of the establishment, including the church, and calls leaders to abandon their power and give it to others. This is the theme that supports woman and minorities, giving voice to anyone that has had their voice taken from them.

As you read this I want you to not jump to the conclusion that I am describing two sides of the same coin. I truly believe that if you investigate further you will see that these themes are seemingly contradictory and really appear to be messages from two different sources. Unless you admit the differences, you will miss the beauty.

Which theme are you more comfortable with? You might also see someone else’s worldview here. Most of us, if we were honest, like to downplay one side of this issue and see the world through our view. This, obviously, is not the answer either. So, if there are two distinct themes, and we shouldn’t just choose one, what should we do?

Damn Microwaves

My friend Mark told me a story to illustrate what life was like for him growing up. At his house, in the early 90’s, his parents had a microwave. Somehow his parents got the idea that it would hurt their valuable microwave if they let it run without anything inside of it. This is untrue, but many people believed it at the time. But Mark’s parents went further. To solve the problem of the microwave possibly running without any food inside of it, they left a bowl of water in the microwave every time it wasn’t running. They did this just in case the microwave either started spontaneously or someone decided to set the microwave and hit the start button but forgot to put the food in. The strangest and most illogical part of this huge mess of illogical though is that my friend Mark would get in trouble not for starting the microwave with nothing in it, but rather for forgetting to put the bowl with water back in the microwave.

This is a perfect example of true legalism. People protect themselves from problems and sin by adding new rules. Then they punish people for breaking their rules, even if they never cause the original problem. It is if they forgot what rule was added and what was there for a reason.

I would have thought Mark’s experience with microwaves was a singular one, but when he told his story, another friend told a story of microwave abuse. The friend’s parents weren’t as concerned about running the microwave with nothing in it, they were concerned with the buttons on the face of the microwave. Somehow they got it in their minds that by pushing the buttons too often the microwave would quit working. So, to solve this problem, they set the microwave to 99 minutes and 99 seconds, which was the most they could put on their microwave. Then when someone wanted to cook something, say for 45 seconds, they wouldn’t have to push the buttons, all they had to do was push the start button and stop the microwave at 99 minutes and 54 seconds. This continued, minute by minute, so that no one would have to push the number buttons that may or may not go out with repeated use. The kids said it was so confusing to try to subtract two and a half minutes from 47:13 that their family constantly burned their food all the time.

Why is it so easy for us to do this? Parents focus so strongly on the extra rules that their children never remember what they should originally avoid. If we asked these two sets of parents what they were trying to do, they would say they were trying to be good stewards, or something similarly spiritual. Do you think Mark or my other friend learned to be good stewards, to not be careless and wasteful from their experiences from their microwaves? Of course not. They learned of disapproval and judgment. They learned to be confused about the true value of possessions, and the need to repress. Luckily Wal-Mart has driven down the price of microwaves so much that they have become a dispensable item. Otherwise, another generation of children might be raised with such graceless microwave logic.

realizations

1. The greatest assault on my persistent selfishness is an active prayer life and the new perspective that comes with it.

2. Anything that doesn’t let me settle and stay inside myself is part of my calling.

3. My wounds and scars are from the same direction as my calling

4. Compassion and intimacy is my most effective weapon against consistent and suffocating depression

5. Preparation is a more rewarding hope than any perceived evaluation of me by others

6. Anything that drives me to Jesus should be remembered and cherished

7. I should take my anxieties to Jesus as an experiment to see how faithful he really is

8. Peace and Joy come from a trust that what I am currently doing is somehow close to what God wants for me

9. God’s will is rarely ever a destination, almost always a journey and a state of mind

10. What I do today and even more important what I think today really does decide what my future will look like.

Shunning the Light

I just finished my first year of grad school in counseling psychology. Half-way through the year I was given my first patient. This is because my school only wants to screw up people with amateurish counseling who have no choice but to go along.

So anyway, working with him was very hard. We would dwell on the bad parts of his life, and all his problems, and mostly why everyone else in his life had failed him. But whenever I tried to give him a complement, or tell him how courageous he was being for facing his problems, or show him how he was improving, he would brush me off. He couldn’t take the good stuff, only the bad.

I am sure you know someone just like that. Most likely you see a lot of yourself in this person. It is very hard for almost everyone to take complements. We are afraid they are insincere, that the person complementing us is just humoring us and telling us what we want to hear. We are uncomfortable with any attention on us, and get especially flustered when we are surprised, and we are almost always surprised by good words. We don’t expect it and don’t like it. It is like suddenly someone put a spotlight on us and says “You are a good person. Now talk while everyone stares at you.”

We are afraid that if we accept a compliment it means that we are committing to make this compliment true. If someone told you that you are a very good piano player, but you didn’t think you were, you would somehow try to let them know that this wasn’t true. You would be afraid of the expectations of having to be a good piano player when you are afraid that you aren’t up to that standard. You would be afraid that people would know you aren’t that good and hate you for pretending you were.

Most of all, we are ambivalent with success. We love it and hate it. We move toward it, but then hide from it. We feel can approach it but never possess it. Why don’t we become great? We are afraid of our own greatness and what it would do to us. Greatness will change us, and we don’t really like change. So we say we want to become more like God, or become a better husband, or a better student, but we also do things that sabotage our efforts. George Weinberg, in his book The Heart of Psychotherapy calls this “shunning the light”. We avoid the light because we fear what it will do to us. We are more comfortable in our own sinfulness and problems, and are much more comfortable in the mundane and trivial. Is change possible? Only if we allow ourselves to see and love the goodness and potential inside of us and to allow others to see the goodness in us, as well.